The Great Zucchini Problem

A friend brought up an issue that a great many people face each summer. Besides what to do with their kids while they're out of school, I mean.

I am speaking of the Great Zucchini Problem. Each year, thousands, perhaps millions of people, plant zucchini, completely forgetting that they had told themselves the year before that they would NEVER again plant zucchini. And each year, millions of other people, who did NOT plant zucchini, out of pity for their forgetful friends, neighbors, relatives, real estate agents, etc., find themselves agreeing to take home a few hundred zucchinis.

These zucchinis are relatives of the blimp. You need a wheelbarrow to bring them home, and sometimes it is necessary to remove the door to your home to get them inside. Some people have found it easier to just cut them outside with a chain saw.

As my friend pointed out, once you accept a zucchini from someone, you have to do something with it. You have to go out and buy, using money, ingredients to make something with the free zucchini. So you now have ingredients you never would have bought, using money you never would have spent, all because you felt sorry for your zucchini-inundated neighbor or coworker or postal carrier. And for the next seven months, you eat nothing but zucchini. Zucchini bread, zucchini cake, zucchini pancakes, zucchini casseroles, zucchini cookies, zucchini cheese, zucchini popsicles, etc.

Now, I have a solution to the Great Zucchini Problem. I propose that the government require a permit to grow zucchinis, and only a limited amount of permits would be allowed per geographical location. This would, of course, cut down on the number of zucchini growers, and consequently on the number of zucchini. In our particular geographical location, permits would be strictly outlawed, but they could be carefully controlled in other areas.

If people who were awarded zucchini permits wanted to continue to give some of their zucchini away, they would still be allowed to do so to family and friends and neighbors. But to give them away to coworkers would require, in addition to the growing permit, a license. There would be a hefty fee involved to obtain this license, which would of course reduce the number of employees pushing zucchini at the office, which is very disruptive and cuts down on work productivity. In fact, the government found in a recent study that zucchini arguments at work were responsible for last month's decline of the U.S. auto industry; the other carmakers long ago outlawed zucchini in the workplace, and if the Big Three don't follow suit soon, they will have to start issuing rebates for zucchinis as well as cars. The government will have to bail these companies out, paying millions per zucchini, and turn around and repurpose the zucchini as environmentally friendly cars.

Now, requiring a license to dispense zucchini in the workplace might cause some hard feelings among zucchini growers, as they are well aware that other employees do not need special permission to sell, on behalf of their children, cookies, candy bars, wrapping paper, previously worn snowsuits, etc. But with the U.S. economy at stake, I'm sure American employees will do the right thing and obey the new laws.

And eventually, once people see the success of my program, we can move on to Phase 2: outlawing zucchini.