Please follow these instructions

Joe and I shopped in an antique store the other day, looking for treasures like a primitive cupboard, an old meat fork, and the women's restroom. I am always hesitant to use restrooms in antique stores, for fear the restrooms will be antique, too. This one was very modern, but it was obviously overseen by someone who did not trust that the people who would use it had ever seen a modern restroom before. There were instructions taped all over the walls, paper dispensers, counters, ceiling, etc., telling patrons in no uncertain terms how things worked in this bathroom. I couldn't see that anything worked differently than in any other public restroom I've ever used, which must be about 9,573 by now if I think about it, which I would prefer not to do.

First there was the notice on the toilet paper dispenser. "TEAR TISSUE ON THE EDGE OF THE HOLDER," it declared. I didn't see how else you would tear it, because the edge is where the teeth were. I supposed, however, that some unscrupulous person might tear it by hand off to the side.

The soap instructions were even more basic. "PUSH PUMP FOR SOAP," the sign said, with an abundance of arrows pointing not to the pump but to the floor. There was no conceivable way to get soap other than to push the pump, so I'm not sure why someone thought this particular notice was necessary. Perhaps they didn't want people to waste their time looking for a nonexistent bar of soap.

After obediently pushing the pump for soap, I went over to the wall get some paper towel. I was greeted by a sign that said, "PULL HANDLE SLOWLY HOLDING PAPER." The "SLOWLY" AND "HOLDING" were written vertically, whether to emphasize them or to fit the words on the dispenser, which was longer than it was wide, I wasn't sure. But it takes longer to read words that are written vertically -- which is why the Founding Fathers of English decided that we should read words across -- and so while I was trying to decipher the directions for getting the paper towel out of the dispenser, my hands were dripping water all over the floor. So I hastily pumped the dispenser and tore off my towel. As this was in direct opposition to the directions, I waited for something bad to happen. But the dispenser did not come off the wall. It did not refuse to dispense me a towel. Apparently it did not set off some secret alarm somewhere, because no Towel Police came running.

I dried my hands and threw the towel away -- surprised that there were no directions on the trash can -- and pushed the door open. I expected to see a sign that read, "DID YOU WASH YOUR HANDS?" and then another on the outer door that said, "...WITH SOAP??"

I pictured the person who had written all these signs. I wondered if her home was also plastered with instructions: On the fridge, "OPEN DOOR TO DISPENSE FOOD;" on the screen door to the outside, "OPEN SLOWLY DO NOT BANG!" (written vertically); in the bathroom, "USE TWO HANDS TO REMOVE TOILET PAPER HOLDER"; and in the laundry room, "BEFORE OPERATING, MAKE SURE CAT IS NOT INSIDE."

I asked Joe later if the men's room had been filled with written instructions, too. "Nope," he said, "I guess they trust guys more than women."

Then he thought again."Well, actually, there was a sign," he said. "It said, 'MAKE SURE YOUR WIFE WASHED HER HANDS.' "