Life enrichment

Are you a grad school widow whose husband has chosen to take two demanding math courses at the same time, leaving you with lots of unsupervised time? Welcome to the Life Enrichment division of your local community college! We offer many courses whose titles rival that of your husband's "Fuzzy Logic" class, at a fraction of the cost. These actual courses are very popular, so don't delay in signing up!

Are you a hopeless wreck in the kitchen? A Martha Stewart wanna-be? Try out "Magic for Beginners." Materials fee for magic wand due at first class. Limited scholarships and student aid available.

Have trouble with unruly hair? Do you feel more attractive with a bag over your head? There's hope! "Happy Hair" features beauty salon dropouts who will have you running back to your regular hair stylist in appreciation of all she does for you.

For those of you who have received threats from neighbors due to the overgrown state of your garden, "The Lazy Gardener" is just what you need. Learn the differences between plastic and silk flowers. Materials fee due at first class.

Why wait for the electric company to send a repairman to your house when something goes wrong, when you can fix it yourself? In "Electricity for the Novice," our talented, overpaid instructors will teach you everything about what your mother told you not to touch. We regret that due to a lack of graduates from "Electricity for the Novice," we have canceled "Electricity for the Pro."

We have several appreciation classes, in which you are required to do nothing but appreciate how ingenious the course designers are at thinking up lame topics. For instance, you might try your hand at "Appreciating Sherlock Holmes." The knowledge you gain could come in handy when your husband loses yet another white sock. For those of you less literary inclined, we offer "Beer Appreciation." (You must bring a designated driver to each class.)

And finally, just in time for the hectic holidays, we are pleased to bring you "Santa Claus Training." Learn how to make promises you cannot possibly keep to thousands of screaming children, and still look happy. Sorry, the school's standard discount for senior citizens does not apply. However, we do offer half off "Beer Appreciation" for those who have both taken "Santa Claus Training" and worked an actual Santa Claus stint. (No need to worry about bringing documentation of the stint -- we'll know by the crazed look in your eyes.)

We are always looking for talented people to teach new classes. If you have a special talent that is of a similar caliber to those described above, please contact us. However, please understand that we are not interested in running a support group for grieving grad school widows. We prefer a more positive approach. Our motto is: A busy wife makes her husband wonder what she's up to!