Let me say at the outset that we had a good time in Boston. But as Christopher Buckley, who has not only traveled far more than I but also is much more famous, once observed, "Comfortable trips make for the worst stories. Better to have something to complain about." Therefore most of what you will read about our trip will make you think we would have had more fun being dipped in a vat of fish oil and set out as shark bait. Just keep in mind that this blog employs totally biased reporting.
If you are looking for a restful vacation, a destination where you can kick back and relax and enjoy the scenery and the sightseeing, I suggest you go someplace other than Boston. There is nothing relaxing about visiting Boston. First, as I alluded to in yesterday's blog entry, anyone who drives in Boston has a death wish. Therefore driving, as a method of getting around and seeing the admittedly interesting sights Boston offers, is out, unless you have extensive experience in the Indy 500 (or in Rome, which is much more dangerous).
As a guide for those of you who, even after reading these warnings, would like to venture into Boston, here is a primer on getting around.
There are a number of transportation options if you do not wish to become roadkill. One is the "T" -- the subway, which was built in 1897 and, judging from the feel of the ride, seems to contain many of its original cars. Then there are various buses and trolleys, taxis, and good old-fashioned foot power. To see the exciting sights in the city, this is the approximate route you should take:
Bus
Walk
T
Walk
Trolley
Walk
T
Bus
Walk
Trolley
Walk
Repeat approximately 2,379 times, and you will find yourself where you wanted to be, although not in any shape to enjoy whatever it was you intended to do once you arrived.
Let's say you would like to take the T. When you walk into a T station, you are immediately faced with a critical decision: How do you get out again? No, actually, you must decide what color line you want. Do you want the red line? Green line? Blue line? Orange line? Silver line? Polka dot line? No matter which one you want, you will always be on the wrong side. You will have to take a perplexing series of elevators, escalators, stairs, and hot-air balloons to reach the right track. Some daring people, people with adventurous spirit, spurn all these and march right across the track to get to where they want to go.
These people never again have to worry about whether they want the orange or silver line.
The green line has sublines that split off from the main line at some point. Because they were running out of colors, they named these A, B, C, D, gamma, and epsilon. I can't speak from experience about whether any of the other color lines also have multiple sublines, as we determined to keep things easy on ourselves and only go wherever the green line took us. But here's the tricky part: All these sublines are accessed from the same platform. Yes! So not only must you pay attention to the color of your train, you must also know your ABC's and watch for the correct train on the green track. (Hint: The cars do NOT necessarily arrive in alphabetical order, so don't bother humming the ABC song in an attempt to help you locate the right train.)
There is yet another layer of confusion to the T. Do you want inbound or outbound? This seems like a simple choice: Inbound should be toward the city, outbound away, right? Wrong. The inbound always goes to a Dunkin' Donuts (more on that later). The outbound appears to just travel in a circle and come right back to where you started, with no stops. There are people who have been on the outbound T since 1957. The rats of Boston, who are smart enough to figure out to ride the inbound, sometimes take pity on these outbound travelers and bring them little crumbs of donuts.
Assuming you have located the correct alphabetized train, on the correct color line, do not be lulled into inattention while you travel the T. I recommend remaining in a state of intense nervousness and alertness at all times, lest you miss your stop and end up somewhere in Oklahoma, which admittedly would be more relaxing than remaining in Boston. Being alert will help you realize that the voice over the PA that is supposed to be telling you which stop is next is actually speaking in tongues, so that you cannot make out a thing being said. You also cannot rely on the digital destination signs prominently displayed from the ceiling of the train, as they are just as likely to flash the score of the Celtics-Bulls game as the next destination. (Some riders have been observed diligently studying their subway map and muttering, "It doesn't say this train stops at Chicago anywhere.")
So the only way to be sure you get out at the right stop is to ask the person next to you, who hopefully is paying attention, which stop you just left and what the next one is. If there are no stops, you will know you are on the outbound train, though this will give you little comfort. Better hope the rats bring you some Chocolate Glaze crumbs.
Next: Tackling the trolley
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