Doctor visit

My trip to the doctor the other day was eerily reminiscent of my recent trip to the mechanic with my badly misbehaving car. Describing your symptoms to a medical professional is often as fun as describing your car's noises to an auto professional. And almost as costly.

Doctor: So, what seems to be the problem?
Patient: Well, our furnace quit working, and I think the refrigerator--
Doctor: I meant with your health.
Patient: Oh. Well, I have this pain.
Doctor: And where is this pain?
Patient, pointing vaguely to her middle section: Here.
Doctor: I see. Can you be more specific?
Patient, huffily: I don't know the medical term for it.
Doctor, soothingly: Of course not. Just tell me what the pain feels like.
Patient: Well, it hurts. A lot.
Doctor, sighing heavily: I'm sure it does. How, exactly, are you hurting? Is it a burning? A sharp jab of pain when you move? Dull throb?
Patient, relieved to have something to choose from: Um, no, it's more constant. Sort of like an elephant is sitting on me.
Doctor, scribbling: I see. And this elephant, it never leaves?
Patient: Nooo, not really. Not that I've ever asked it to.
Doctor: I see. [NOTE: This means, in plain, nonmedical language, that the doctor has no idea what is wrong with you, other than that an elephant is possibly sitting on you.]
Patient: But sometimes, it feels like the elephant is joined by a monkey.
Doctor: I see.

And on it goes. By the time you are finished telling the doctor what's wrong with you, you have developed five more symptoms. And as you walk out the door after your visit, you will have three more. But it is too late.

Of course the doctor -- and other assorted health professionals -- has to ask you a lot of questions. One of them is "How are you today?" You get asked this not once, but at least five times before you even see the doctor. Lest you think this is an attempt at politeness or to put you at ease, I will clue you in: They want to take you off guard to see how really sick you are.

Think about it. If you answer this question with the usual "fine" or "good," as you might in everyday, non-sick-people contexts, the health care watchdogs might refuse to let you see the doctor. "Well, if you're so 'fine,' " the nurse might say, "you do not need to be taking up space in our waiting room. There are very sick people here! Shame on you. Come back when you feel so awful you have to crawl in here."

On the other hand, the question of "how are you doing" is not an invitation for you to pour out your litany of complaints to the nurse or receptionist. That is what the doctor gets paid for. Therefore I have determined that it is best not to answer the question at all, at least with words, but just to make some sort of grunting noise. This lets them know that yes, there really is something wrong with you, and if they care about not infecting the whole rest of the office they will get you in to see the doctor pronto.

Besides, you'll need to save your words for telling the doctor what's wrong with you.