Chim-chimaney-chim-chimaney

Our home has been invaded this week, as you know, by myriad workmen, firemen, Martians, etc. Today we were visited by the Chimney Sweep, whose name was Mike. I was disappointed to find that Mike did not actually dress in tails and top hat and wave a little duster thing around, as suggested by the Chimney Sweep logo in the company ad. He wore a much more practical uniform, which the company probably had to switch to due to an uproar among the Chimney Sweep Wives, who got tired of taking care of soiled tails and top hats. Nor did Mike sing as he performed his duties, ala Dick Van Dyke, which was probably just as well because it would have been a very long drop to the ground in the backyard if he had gotten a little carried away.

Chimney Sweep Mike brought along an accomplice, whose name I neglected to get but who, to my satisfaction, sported a perfectly round piece of soot smudge right on the end of his nose. I had the feeling it wasn't real, that it was just part of an act designed to make up for the disappointing lack of formal Chimney Sweep clothing, but I appreciated it nonetheless.

They were here to inspect our furnace flue, which was implicated by the furnace repairman earlier in the week as possibly being involved in our recent little carbon monoxide excitement. "Never hurts to check these things out!" he had laughed. No, it never hurts, except in the checkbook.

So Mike and his nameless accomplice set about performing their inspection of our furnace flue. This inspection consisted of one of them going up onto the roof and the other into the furnace room. There followed a very technical verbal exchange as they attempted to ascertain which opening on the roof belonged to the furnace. (Step 1 in Chimney Inspection: Find the correct chimney. This is not as easy as it sounds, at least on our roof. Maybe yours comes with everything tagged -- "Fireplace," "Bathroom Exhaust," "Furnace," "Santa's Deliveries," etc., but ours apparently does not.) Anyway, this highly technical exchange went roughly as follows:

Man on roof: CAN YA HEAR ME?
Man in furnace room: YEAH!
Man on roof: No response.
Man in furnace room (goes outside, yells to man on roof): I said, I could hear ya, all right!
Man on roof: Well, then, I guess that means this here's the chim-- WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Just kidding about that last part. No harm was done to the chimney sweeps during this inspection, although I can't say the same for their clothing.

When they came back inside after their technical discussion, Mike announced that there were "some issues" with the flue. Now if you are a homeowner, you will be familiar with the concept of "issues," because the number one problem with your average home these days is "issues." And they are always very costly. One "issue" with our furnace flue was that Mike could not see into it, so he could not determine whether anything inside of it was in need of repair. He could not, really, even tell what was inside of it; for all he knew, it was stuffed with lost socks from the dryer. Therefore, he wanted to come back later in the week and do a video scan and then we could "go from there."

I appreciated this effort on Mike's part to explain things to me in simple terms. "Go from there," as any Homeowner Dummy knows, means that there will be more visits from Mike and Chimney Sweep #2, each costing more than the previous one, and that at the end they will be no closer to determining what is wrong with our furnace than if they had danced around on the rooftop in tails and top hats.

It would almost be worth it to see that.