Car scares

The two principals concerned in this blog have often been viewed as having horrendous luck on trips. Well, I would just like everyone to know that we went to Michigan to see my family over Easter, and we had a marvelous time. Everyone got along fine, the flights and luggage arrived at the same time and at the same terminal, and Joe did not poke me too many times while looking at SkyMall.

Now, wasn't that exciting? Of course it wasn't! No one ever wants to hear about the good stuff that happens. Booooring.

There were some tense moments on the airplane due to turbulence from high winds (although the two children seated behind us no doubt added to it), but I am happy to say that no arms of those seated near me were permanently injured. (Joe has taken to wrapping towels around his arms, just in case.)

But far more interesting -- in the sense of terrifying -- than the plane adventures were the car adventures.

Scenario #1: The family is getting ready to drive to Good Friday services, and it has been snowing for the past couple of hours. It is also beginning to get dark. Your 85-year-old father not only insists on driving, he puts on his sunglasses to do so, which he has worn day and night, indoors and out, for seemingly the last two centuries.

You:
(a) Explain, gently but firmly, that you think it best he does not drive under such conditions
(b) Steal his car keys when he is not looking
(c) Warn him that if he insists on driving, no one will get in the car with him
(d) Keep your mouth shut and pray the entire trip

Well, if you are a coward like me, you will choose (d). The only problem with this, other than the possibility of not having your prayers answered, is that

(e) Everyone else in the family is now mad at you for not insisting to Dad that you drive.

So, to avoid family wrath, you attempt to make a different choice on the way home from church. First you choose (a). This brings about the reaction you fully expected from your father, namely, "Pffft." (This is why you chose (d) in the first place.) Next, you try (c). This brings about a rather stronger reaction from Dad. Desperate, you try (b), but you find to your surprise that his reaction times are pretty good for a man his age. Defeated, you retreat to the back seat and commence with (d), leading, inevitably, to (e).

Somehow, something that had nothing to do with you is now all your fault, leading you to stay out of...

Scenario #2, also involving a vehicle and an octogenarian

Mom, who drives a Sherman tank of a car, was planning to get rid of it the day after we left ("It's going to the graveyard," she said sadly). The car emitted toxic fumes whenever it was driven and obviously needed to go to the graveyard, but she was reluctant to let it go for two reasons. First, she had fought long and hard to have her own car, one that she didn't have to share with a husband or any children, and one that was blue (my father hates blue).

The second reason, which was far more important to her, was that she had just filled the tank with gas and was not about to let it go to waste. So she just kept driving it around town, to the grocery store, to the hospital where she volunteers, to the drug store to get one of their 1,783 prescriptions filled, wherever, until the gas was pretty well used up. The car must have left a trail like in the "Family Circus" comic, only of smoke and obnoxious fumes.

Other than issuing a mild warning, based on our limited understanding of fumes and smoke, that the car was probably not safe to drive, there was little we could do about Scenario #2. Happily, Mom did not drive it while we were there, although it did play a part in Scenario #3...

Scenario #3: First octogenarian, second car

On Easter morning, Dad overslept and was not ready to go to church when the rest of us were. No problem! We early birds would go together in Dad's car, Mom explained, and Dad would come later in Mom's car.

Great. Now we have
(a) car of unknown reliability
(b) driver of, um...
(c) (b) alone in (a)

Somehow, probably due to all those prayers, (a) and (b) made it safely to church.

I was almost relieved to get on the plane later that night to come home. I wouldn't even have minded if we'd had a snowstorm on the way.