Don't mess with my brownies

I don't know about you, but I am getting quite fed up with being told what to eat. Or more specifically, what I shouldn't eat. Isn't that one of the great perks of being a grownup (along with wearing really bad ties) -- that you get to pick your own foods?

But no. Across the country, more and more County Commissions for the Banishment of Pretty Much Everything That Tastes Good are decreeing that this or that food is bad for us and are running it out of restaurants. Trans fats. Saturated fats. Foie gras (literally, "fake grass" -- not that I eat it). You watch, Girl Scout cookies will be next.

Trans fats are banned in restaurants and churches in the county where our church is located. This is obviously yet another attempt to undermine religion in America. Our churches were built on a solid foundation of what? Donuts! (St. Dunkin, Ch. 35, Article VI) Where is separation of church and state when you need it?

The fact that these foods are really bad for you is not the point. The point is, stop telling me what to eat!

But all is not gloom and doom. From the American Dietetics Association we have the following happy announcement. I know none of you would want to miss this very important message. You will thank me, I'm sure. This announcement could change your life!

Are you ready? You might want to write this down.

Pureed cannellinni beans can be substituted for shortening in brownies.

What a relief to know that we don't have to throw out all our favorite recipes just because they have something unhealthy in them! We just have to add new ("new" meaning "weird") food groups to them.

Of all the foods that could be substituted for shortening, pureed cannellinni beans are quite possibly the last thing I would ever think of. Foie gras would come to mind before cannellinni beans.

But I have heard of at least one brave person who has tried this substitution, in cookies, and her family didn't lynch her. She says it made the cookies more "cake-like" and insists that the cookies did not taste "bean-like" at all. To me, this sounds suspiciously like "try it, it tastes like chicken." She did admit that several family members refused to try the brownies once they knew what was in them.

Now there are some smart cookies.