No doubt many of you participated in Black Friday, which supposedly is the official opening of the Christmas shopping season but which is really a cleverly disguised activity for working off all those Thanksgiving calories indulged in the day before. More weight is lost among Americans, collectively, on this day than any other day of the year. If Black Friday shopping is fully participated in, shoppers can expect to expend the following number of calories (all numbers are in the thousands):
-- Hitting, shoving, and otherwise plowing through crowds of fellow shoppers: 972 calories
-- Running through store to get to electronics area: 763 calories
-- Searching for an empty table in the food court: 207 calories
-- Eating while standing up because you could not find an empty table in the food court: 178 calories
-- Shuffling from stall to stall in the public restroom in search of one that is not totally disgusting: 5 calories, or 0 for males, because this activity is generally considered unnecessary for them
-- Going back and forth from one checkout line to another in an attempt to discover which is moving faster: 134 calories
-- Wandering around parking lot looking for lost car: 13,389 calories
Unfortunately, although driving around looking for a parking spot consumes an enormous amount of gas and patience, 0 calories are expended during this activity.
The Pilgrims, of course, did not have to worry about finding a parking spot at the mall on Black Friday, as there were no malls. And no cars. They just ambled on over, at a leisurely pace, to the Indians' place, where they could get all their Christmas gifts in one trip, provided everyone on their list wanted beaver furs and pelts.
But lest you think they had it easy, remember they had to do a lot of bartering. This is because they didn't have coupons yet. "You trade daughter for beaver blanket," the Indians would insist. And the Pilgrims would think hard for about 30 seconds, shrug, and say okay, figuring that meant one less person to buy gifts for.
"Can I have it by Christmas?" was a common question the Pilgrims would ask when putting in their special orders. And the Indians, who had no idea when Christmas was, would shrug and say sure, for an extra helping of mincemeat pie. "What's in that mincemeat pie, anyway?" the Indians would ask.
"You don't want to know," the Pilgrims would say.
Compared to us, the Pilgrims had sharply curtailed shopping hours, because the 3-6 a.m. sales hadn't been invented yet. Plus, they didn't like to be out after dark, especially in Indian territory. The Indians' offer to "have them for dinner sometime" might take on a different meaning if they stuck around too long.
So in this season of thankfulness and cheer, we can be grateful even for all the headaches of modern shopping. As always in life, if you try to avoid the unpleasant parts, you will pay a price. If you choose to do all your shopping online, be warned: You will expend a grand total of 2 calories.
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