What's causing YOUR headache?

Over the years, medical personnel have identified a number of different types of headaches people suffer from: stress, migraine, sinus, lack of chocolate, etc. Less studied is a very common type of headache among married couples: spouse-induced.

Out of the blue one day, Joe mused that if we were going to have kids -- you will realize that this was an entirely hypothetical conversation -- he would want to name one of them Rufus. He did not specify whether this would be a name for a male or a female.

I wanted to be clear that Rufus was not an acceptable name for a child, real or hypothetical. "Rufus is a dog's name," I said in disdain.

"It's in the Bible," he pointed out.

"Nebuchadnezzar is in the Bible, too," I said. "You want to name a kid Nebuchadnezzar?"

The spouse-induced headache, were it recognized by the medical community, would rate right up there with migraines. The only known cure is for the spouse causing the headache to say something sensible, such as "Honey, let's go to Hawaii this year!" Instead the spouse, whether aware or not of the effect of his or her words upon the partner, generally persists in inflicting further physical pain.

"Ezekiel is another good name," Joe said decisively. "Rufus and Ezekiel."

The spouse-induced headache may be the greatest medical concern of our time, but recognition is scarce. I urge you to lobby for funding to address this very real malady. Any such funding will go directly to sufferers, to send them to Hawaii.

Disclaimer: The above is NOT a cleverly disguised attempt to announce that there are any Rufuses or Ezekiels expected. In fact, conversations like these merely confirm for me that the world is better off without any offspring in our household, no matter what they are named.