We are settling in nicely to our new environment at work. Although we have suffered several disruptions due to the move -- no working phones, almost running out of toilet paper, no bulletin board on which to hang our crossword puzzles, etc. -- our productivity is high. For instance, so far we have killed or escorted off the premises four wasps, one centipede, three blue flying things, one cricket, and an unknown bug of large proportions. A daddy longlegs is still at large, although at last sight it was moving rather slowly, perhaps, as someone helpfully pointed out, because it only has six legs instead of the usual eight.
Various bug duties have been assigned in order to most efficiently deal with the creatures. Anne, for instance, takes care of any bugs on Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, although she has asked to be excused from attending to any snakes that might appear. Fortunately there has not been a need so far to attend to snakes.
On Tuesdays when Anne is not there, Backup Bug Duty is performed by Megan, who will take care of anything unless it is known to fly or hop or otherwise behave in an unpredictable manner, and thus might frighten her, which in her current pregnant state would not be beneficial for the baby, although she admits that she does not like these creatures even when she is not pregnant. Megan is not, however, intimidated by snakes, and so will cover this vacancy left by Anne should the need arise.
All have pretty much agreed that in the unlikely event of a mouse sighting, we will leave the premises in an orderly manner, allowing the boss to remain and deal with the situation while we, thoughtfully remaining out of his way, reconvene at a convenient location, such as a nearby restaurant known for extremely good, but slow, service.
Some of us are quite adept at Bug Location and Notification, which allows those on Bug Duty to go into action at once. Although there is no rule against screaming when a creature has been sighted, it is generally discouraged in favor of a simple, calm appraisal of the situation, such as "I believe there is a very large centipede about to crawl up my leg. Could someone take care of this, please?"
Those who are on neither Bug Duty nor Bug Location and Notification perform the all-important services of Observation and Commentary, offering such helpful hints during the capturing or "release" process as "It went that way," or "It's definitely dead. Oops, make that definitely not dead," or "Who knew that box elder bugs fly?"
There is the occasional situation in which we much call in the experts, one of which is Dave, who very efficiently dispatches crickets in a method akin to children catching fireflies – hands clasping at air every few inches, then lifted up cautiously now and then to check whether a successful capture has occurred, accidentally letting the cricket escape, and setting into motion the process all over again. Although this makes for a very entertaining show, we are forced to watch it from afar due to the erratic nature of cricket movement, which the majority find somewhat unnerving.
Dave is sometimes assisted in this important removal effort by Jim, who may, for instance, stand on the other side of a cubical wall under which a cricket is hiding and poke at the cricket with an instrument known as the birthday wand, which sports colorful streamers and tiny bells. I believe we can safely say that we are the only organization, at least in the immediate area, to employ a birthday wand to capture bugs. If anyone knows differently, I would be glad to hear of it.
Unfortunately, all this important work may soon be coming to an end, as an exterminator is scheduled to treat the building. Unless something else comes along, such as we get our bulletin board soon for the crossword puzzles, we may have to do some actual work.
Which would be truly scary.
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