The gluten-free empire

It was all perfectly planned.

With Joe now eating gluten free, desserts have become something of a scarcity in our house. It is true that gluten-free foods and recipes are better than they used to be, in the sense that thinner cardboard tastes better than thicker cardboard (although this has not been scientifically proven). But my plan was to perfect some gluten-free dessert recipes -- irresistible things with names like Quadruple Chocolate Chip Fat Clothes Brownies -- and offer my wares to a number of stores and cafes in the area, all of which would immediately fall at my feet and beg to buy them and sell them in their establishments. In short, I would build a Gluten-Free Baking Empire.

How are the mighty fallen!

These modest plans were all made before even a single gluten-free item had emerged from my oven, and when one finally did emerge, I had the vague feeling that the Empire was not going to be built in a day.

The banana bread, for instance, more resembled Banana Goo, and would have made a perfect gluten-free baby food, had I been interested in building a Gluten-Free Baby Food Empire. Not sure I wanted to go this route, I tried the banana bread again.

The results, though better, did nothing to advance my Empire, but I cheered myself with the thought that it was not my fault.

It was the pan's fault, for being too small.

It was the bananas' fault, for being too chunky.

It was the oven's fault, for not being able to automatically correct itself when I put it on the wrong temperature. I am SURE that Martha Stewart's oven is able to do this, not that Martha Stewart ever puts the oven on the wrong temperature. But the point is that her oven probably could, if the occasion ever arose, perform this service.

And then -- joy of joys -- I found out that there was something wrong with the recipe. Banana Goo really wasn't my fault.

A faulty recipe wasn't going to stand between me and my Empire, so I tried some double chocolate chip cookies. What could go wrong with double chocolate chip cookies?

Plenty, it turned out.

This recipe called for coconut oil, which is not only used in cooking but can also be slathered on one's body for the purpose of moisturizing. According to Wikipedia, coconut oil is traditionally ground in mills powered by bulls. I admit to having some qualms, as I was measuring out the coconut oil, about using a body product that has been ground by bulls in my baking, but I tried not to think about it.

Unfortunately the coconut oil did not lend itself to being measured. Although it is reportedly a solid at room temperature, in my kitchen it slowly started to melt into a river of thick liquid, with the result that it would not cooperate when coaxed into the measuring cup. Instead of packing down nicely when pressed with a spoon, it squooshed out the other side of the cup. The amount that finally made it into the bowl probably in no way resembled the amount I was supposed to put in, but it is impossible to know for sure.

The cookies spread over the entire pan and joined forces, creating Square Siamese Paper-Thin Cookies. In an effort to disguise them, I crushed them up and used them for a crust in an ice cream pie. I wondered vaguely, as I pressed the crumbs into the pie pan, how freezing would affect crumbs that had so much oil in them they were oozing. But thoughts of my Empire filled my mind, and I soldiered on.

The ice cream pie was edible, even tasty. Yes, it required a knife to cut through the granite-hard crust, but gluten-free foods are generally not known for their light, fluffy texture anyway.

Luckily, coconut oil can also be used for "soothing the head," according to Wikipedia. Good thing I have some left over.