A tale of two buildings

Both Joe and I recently experienced a company move. As you will see, our new work environments are similar, in the sense that we go to them every day. Today we give you a point-by-point comparison between the two new buildings.

Joe: Employees enjoy a plush, brand-new, made-to-order 6-star facility with marble floors and counters.

Me: Employees move into a building that appears to have been recently vacated by Motel 6, but not as nice.

Joe: The building overlooks a former quarry, which is now filled with water and is in fact the deepest lake in Maryland. Benches are strategically placed around the perimeter of the lake, giving opportunities for thoughtful reflection.

Me: The building overlooks a sometimes-running tiny commuter train, which makes up for its diminutive size by having an oversized horn, blown several times when the train is strategically located right outside the building. This horn is so loud that even our assistant, who is almost completely deaf, is startled when it is blown.

Joe: Employees park in a cozy, covered parking structure, with a designated parking spot for each employee.

Me: Employees may park anywhere they wish, as long as it is not in one of the 2,137 handicapped spaces the building is required to have, which means parking several miles away. Employees arrive starting at 3:13 a.m. to ensure getting a good spot. Or any spot.

Joe: Building has a spacious lobby.

Me: Building has a tiny room between the inner and outer doors, which has been dubbed "the vestibule," although it more resembles an unused closet.

Joe: Building has several floors, hallways, large comfortable rooms, etc., beyond the lobby.

Me: Building has one large, long room, which -- thanks to new lighting -- resembles a runway with cubicles.

Joe: Fine art adorns the walls of the lobby and hallways.

Me: Walls are adorned by black marks and a few random clocks, all of which show a different time.

Joe: Ambient noise is masked by a white noise machine, which surreptitiously whirrs in the background.

Me: Any noise, including attempts at work-related conversation, is masked by the copy machine.

Joe: Work spaces are lit by floor-to-ceiling windows on every wall of every floor. Translucent shades automatically descend to gently shield employees from the harsh afternoon sun.

Me: Employees played Rock, Scissors, Paper to determine who gets to sit next to the lone window, which is six inches wide. The winner looks out on a Dumpster.

Joe: Building has state-of-the-art, bright dividers between personal work spaces, giving one the feeling of being in an Ivy League library.

Me: Building has tall cubicle walls that form narrow work spaces, giving one the feeling of being incarcerated. The walls have been thoughtfully "broken in" by previous cubicle users, with stains and rips and gouges, giving one the feeling of being incarcerated in a mental facility.

Joe: Visitors are welcomed by a concierge, who asks whom they are visiting, whether they would like some complimentary coffee or tea, whether they would prefer a partial or total massage while they are visiting, etc.

Me: Visitors bang on the inner door, and the employee who happens to be closest to the door at the time lets them in, if he or she feels like it.

Joe: On the first day in the new building, employees were treated to omelettes made by a professional chef, with each omelette made to specification by the employee.

Me: On the first day in the new building, employees were treated to an empty vending machine. (Okay, actually we had a nice little spread of fruit and crackers and cheese and Tootsie Rolls. But no personalized omelettes.)

Joe: Employees enjoy a state-of-the-art workout room, with plush adjoining locker rooms with heated floors.

Me: Employees exercise by walking down the length of the room to retrieve their items from the printer.

Joe: Employees are able to remove themselves from the stressful work environment by lounging in the Relaxation Room, affectionately dubbed the Nap Room.

Me: Employees deal with stress by eating more Tootsie Rolls and, in extreme cases, by falling down on the floor of their cubicle. In more extreme cases, employees walk back past the 2,137 handicapped parking spaces, drive to Joe's new building, and bang on the door, begging the concierge to let them use the Nap Room, just this once.

At which time the concierge merely laughs, and finishes her omelette.