D-Day for ants

In anticipation of our yearly onslaught of ants, Joe has been researching various methods of ant "relocation" (meaning "no longer among the living"). Most of the methods he has discovered require only common household items, such as coffee grounds, peanut butter, cornstarch, arsenic, a shotgun, etc. Following are some helpful tips for using these items for ant "relocation."

1. Do you find you have trouble keeping coffee grounds off the counter, floor, table, chairs, etc.? "Relocate" the coffee grounds and the ants at the same time. Move the grounds to a spot where the ants like to hang out, and put up a sign advertising the coffee as "peanut butter" (see Tip #5). Be sure to emphasize that the "peanut butter" is free.

2. Cayenne pepper may also be put down wherever ants like to gather, and is an effective deterrent. Of course, it is an effective deterrent to just about everything else, including deer, dogs, visitors, etc.

3. If you would prefer not to observe the effects of "relocation," cornstarch may be just the thing for you. Put it in your vacuum cleaner bag, suck up the ants, and the cornstarch will suffocate them. They will suffer just the same, but you can remain in blissful ignorance.

4. Cultivate friendships with daddy longlegs spiders, who reportedly enjoy a meal of ants every now and then. Encourage the daddy longlegs to take up residence near where the ants are entering your home. If you have difficulty attracting daddy longlegs -- though we personally have never run into this problem -- make a sign proclaiming "ANT BUFFET -- ALL YOU CAN EAT -- 24 HOURS"

5. Mix boric acid with peanut butter, put it on a cracker, and put the cracker in a box. To ensure that only ants get inside the box, poke some tiny holes in the box, and then tack on a sign that says "ANTS ONLY! ID REQUIRED!" Set outdoors and hope the recycling people don't pick it up.

6. If you see a trail of ants, put some vinegar on a sponge. Use the sponge to wipe out the trail, which will prevent them from finding it again, unless they have discovered the greatness of the GPS.

7. As an alternative to Tip #6, if you see a trail of ants, you could just do what I would do, which is shoot them.

If you follow all this advice, there is no guarantee that you will successfully "relocate" all your ants, although your house is likely to end up looking like the scene of a giant food fight. Be sure to empty the vacuum cleaner bag before you start cleaning everything up. Just don't look inside.