The weekend of the Tiny People

This weekend we attended several family affairs, which seemed to be principally inhabited by Tiny People -- Tiny Family Members, Tiny Neighbor People of Family Members, Tiny Random-off-the-Street People, etc. Although the total number of Tiny People was actually quite low, they were able, thanks to an obscure mathematical principle, to sound and appear as if they were an army of millions.

You see this principle demonstrated in several Old Testament scenes, in which the Lord causes Israel's enemies to hear a tremendous noise and, believing themselves to be pursued by a large army, to flee in panic. Trust me, there were Tiny People involved in this somewhere.

Despite their bustle of activity, the Tiny People were able to demonstrate some astonishing physical feats as they moved about. One was that no matter how much food they heaped on their plate, and no matter how alarming an angle to the ground they carried the plate, nothing ever spilled from it. Nothing. They would transport the plate to some far-flung corner of the house or yard, maneuvering through chairs and tables, Big People's legs, in and out of minivans, etc., the plate tipping precariously this way and that, until the Tiny People arrived at a suitable destination and placed the plate, its contents perfectly intact, on some appropriate surface, such as a Big Person's lap. There, having defeated the laws of gravity and logic, it would promptly be forgotten.

When the Tiny People registered hunger, they would vaguely remember that somewhere in that vast sea of Big People and food was a plate upon which they had placed some special treasures, and in their search to reclaim this treasure, any plate that had food on it looked, to them, like their plate, and was treated in a manner accordingly. Woe to any adult who left an unguarded plate of food within reach of the Tiny People.

One Tiny Person was oblivious to everything going on, and set about looking for an escape route out of the yard. She apparently viewed the fenced-in yard as a giant playpen into which she had been placed against her will, and though it was stocked with Tiny People attractions, they held no interest for her. The other Tiny People had lined up for a chance to break the pinata, and thereby garner great glory and candy, but this excitement was ignored by the Escaping Tiny Person, as was Joe's attempt to interest her in the pinata: "There's candy and violence happening over there!" She ignored it all, and when her attempts to escape finally failed, she promptly lay down in the grass, perhaps hoping to be forgotten until some time had passed, everyone left, and she could continue her efforts undisturbed.

Occasionally a Tiny Person would temporarily tire of the melee, and retreat to a Big Person's lap for rejuvenation. This often involved looking at a book, or eating something off the Big Person's plate. One Tiny Family Member requested Grandpa to read his favorite book, which consisted of photos of Grandpa and Grandma on a trip in the wilds of Montana. The pictures showed the diverse wildlife of the area, moose, eagles, outhouses, etc.

One picture showed Grandma just after she had made an up-close and personal acquaintance with the outhouse. The Tiny Family Member's eyes grew wide. "Is Gamma going to the BATHROOM?" he shrieked.

Grandpa hastily turned the page. "That's a private matter," he said, and looked for something more appropriate for public viewing.

The Tiny Family Member and Grandpa later went for a walk, on which the Tiny Family Member received further lessons on nature, principally the workings of the sewer system. Grandpa asserted that there was water under the manhole cover, just as there was in the storm drain, but since the Tiny Family Member could see no water below the manhole cover, he expressed doubts about this.

"If you picked it up," Grandpa said, "there would be water under there."

The Tiny Family Member stared at the manhole cover, then smiled. "That's super cool, Gammpa."

As was the weekend of the Tiny People.