Wood you be mine?

A much-anticipated milestone is imminent in our household. Besides the final episode of the TV show Lost, I mean, although it is difficult to think of an event that has been more anticipated, at least by me. A certain someone in this household, which is not me, has been utterly consumed by Lost for the last 18 years. "But Lost hasn't been running for 18 years," you say. Obviously you do not know much about the show, in which time travel and other mysterious time manipulations are common, including parallel universes, one of which may very well feature the characters wandering around the island for 18 years.

Despite the excitement this coming event has generated, another happy milestone is approaching: the Hero and the Princess's fifth anniversary. Although no firm plans have been set in place yet, no doubt any celebration will involve the traditional, romantic gift for the fifth anniversary, which is: wood.

This is especially appropriate at this particular season in the Hero and Princess's life, when their lives are consumed by drywall and two-by-fours and decisions about whether to brave discovery of what might be under the wood floor in the basement. Yes, wood is definitely a timely symbol of their relationship.

However, silverware is also considered a fifth-anniversary symbol, presumably because by the fifth year a couple's original silverware has mysteriously dwindled, to the point where they are sometimes forced to eat with gardening tools. This net loss of silverware is especially common when there are any children in the house, a situation that also requires the removal of sharp knives from the home. The Hero has often, for the Princess's safety but particularly his own, contemplated removing sharp knives from their own home, but cannot think of any place the Princess would not be able to find them ("So, THAT'S why you were in such a hurry to seal the fireplace up.").

How might a couple celebrate the "wood" anniversary? Our research has turned up these suggestions:

• With a toast to each other, that their love might grow like the trees around them. Note: This is NOT suggested if the trees around you, like the maple in our backyard, are dying. Decayed wood is generally not considered part of the fifth anniversary tradition.

• With a gift of fireplace kindling. Note: This should NOT include the spouse's prized, handmade bowl from second grade, fashioned out of toothpicks.

• With a gift of a bonsai plant, whose ageless evergreen qualities symbolize the hope for a long-lasting marriage. Unrelated aside: The Hero has often expressed a wish to grow bonsai, and indeed before his marriage had such a plant, which perished under mysterious circumstances after the Princess arrived in the home.

• By carving from a unique gift from wood, unless all the knives have been removed from your home.

Whether the Princess and the Hero plan to celebrate with wood or silverware, we can be assured of one thing: They will NOT be planning a trip to the Lost island, even if it DOES have a lot of wood trees.