All your beetle questions answered

We have recently become experts on beetles that bore through trees, on account of the fact that we have one in our maple tree -- without our permission, we might add. Today we answer any questions you may have about these beetles, which are very destructive and -- worse -- very ugly.

Our vast beetle knowledge comes from our own research (.05%), from discussions with an actual state tree expert (.03%), and from our overactive imagination (99.92%).

Owner of Dying Tree: We have discovered a pile of wood shavings next to our maple tree. This is not a good thing, is it?

Tree Expert: Have you recently taken up wood carving?

Owner: Um, no.

P.S. Please do not give my husband any ideas for additional wood projects.

Expert: Sorry. Well, you probably have a type of boring beetle. It is chewing up the inside of your tree and spitting out the shavings.

Owner: Ewww.

Expert: It is important to know what type of beetle it is. If it is invasive, it could spread to other nearby trees. You will need to have the tree cut down, the soil treated, and your house and all your possessions burned and buried in the desert.

Owner: Yikes. Well, how do we figure out what kind of beetle we have?

Expert: You will need to capture it and send it in for identification.

Owner: I send it to you?

Expert: Heavens, no! Why would we want it? Send it to some other tree expert.

Owner: So, I capture it.

Expert: Yes.

Owner: Uh huh, right.

Expert: Seriously.

Owner: Seriously?

Expert: Seriously.

Owner: How do we get the beetle to come out? And just so you know, we are not sticking our hand in that hole.

Expert: There are several ways to encourage the beetle to come out. You could, for instance, hurl insults at it.

Owner: Like what?

Expert: We can think of several:

--"Hey, pal, you call yourself a longhorn beetle? I've seen nose hairs longer than that!"

--"My grandmother can chew more wood than you!"

Owner: Okaaaay, and what do we do when it comes out?

Expert: Our personal advice would be to run. Or, capture it with some sort of container.

Owner: Like what?

Expert: Well, we would recommend something NOT made of wood.

Owner: That brings up another question. If the tree is cut down, should we keep the stump or have it ground up?

Expert: It is usually advisable to grind the stump, unless you need extra outdoor table space. See Martha Stewart Living, Issue XXIVXXII for ideas.

Owner: We have had a tree removal company give us an estimate for cutting the tree down. Should we be concerned that they believe our maple is a crabapple tree?

Expert: This could indicate a potential problem. My advice is to bag up the tree removal guy and send him in for inspection.

Owner: Let me guess. I don't send him to you.

Expert: Congratulations! You're becoming an expert, too.