Tales from on high

If airlines really wanted to reassure passengers, they would hand out a little brochure explaining the different noises you can expect to hear on the flight and what they mean, like this:

• Bump: Landing gear doors closing
• Groan: Hydraulics powering the steering system
• Heavy bump: Landing gear coming down
• Whoosh: Reverse engine thrust
• "Uh, oh": There may be many reasons you hear your flight crew say this. You should not panic. I said DON'T PANIC!

This would be extremely helpful.


When we boarded an impossibly small plane for our flight home from the Midwest recently, we heard a loud sound we hadn't heard before.


"Um, is this a wind-up plane?" I said to the Hero.


"Well, if the plane gets pulled back several times and then zooms forward, we're in trouble."


He looked out the window and joked that perhaps the wings were plastic. I looked too.


"There are wings...right?" I said.


Somehow we made it to our first destination, despite my constant questioning of various noises. Perhaps this is what has caused the Hero to take up reading SkyMall magazine with such concentration.


The next flight began with an announcement from the pilot that I fear more than any other (except perhaps "The restroom will not be available for this entire flight"):


"It's a bit windy at our destination."


This translates to, in my mind, "Gale-force winds, Category 8.5 Hurricane, get all your affairs in order now."


As we got closer to landing I became convinced that we really were in a toy plane, and some kid was dashing us around in the air, now up, now down, now sideways...I alternated between being too terrified to look at the ground and too terrified not to. I began giving the pilot helpful suggestions in my head: "You know, we don't have to land here. We could just keep flying and land somewhere where there is no wind, it doesn't have to be someplace close, you know, just somewhere that is not here..."


Of course the pilot did not take my silent suggestions, and miraculously we landed in one piece. Fortunately the Hero had his eyes open, unlike me, and could announce this imminent event, or I would have completely come to pieces thinking we were hitting some tree or building instead of making a nice, safe landing.


"I feel like we should clap," I said.


"I would," the Hero said, "but I'm not sure you're ever going to let go of my arm."


Note: If mrsgreenknees is reading this, be assured that I made it all up. Really. You have nothing to be afraid of when you fly to visit us. Winds are not allowed in our city. Really.