If you always wanted to be a gerbil

Random observation alert: Today in DC it was apparently Take Your Pillow to (Work? Vacation? Hotel?) Day. Several travelers made their way around on the train and subway with mounds of luggage and pillows. Then again, given how long it takes to detour around the broken subway station escalator that workers are no longer pretending to fix, maybe these pillow-haulers are on to something. 


I have returned from a roughly twice-yearly trek to a certain mall where, if you are even moderately careful, you do not have to enter any actual stores. This is because the mall contains every conceivable entertainment known to man, as well as restaurants and snack stands that together are responsible for 83% of the health problems in America, even though only .6% of Americans shop at this mall.


You can attend a Renaissance Festival at this mall. You can ride a space simulator machine at this mall. You can step into numerous little booths that will take pictures of you -- funny pictures, serious pictures, pictures of your head plastered on someone else's body, etc. And if you are a Tiny Person, you can roll around in a Giant Gerbil Ball.


The Giant Gerbil Ball attraction is located in the food court, presumably because there is not enough chaos there already. The Giant Gerbil Balls are just that -- enormous plastic balls that kids can crawl inside of. The Gerbil Balls reside in a pool of sorts -- remember, this is all taking place alongside people eating their pizza and burritos -- and the kids roll, kick, and bounce inside the ball to make the Gerbil Balls tumble around in the water. If a particular Gerbil Ball is displaying rather ho-hum tumbling action, a helpful employee with a history of childhood bullying will rough it up a bit, just for fun.


I wondered how many kids throw up while inside.


But I actually see a practical purpose to the Giant Gerbil Balls. This mall, by some quirk of nature, is located in a Monsoon Belt. All of the worst storms I have ever personally experienced have occurred while I was at this mall, or within a radius of .3 mile, while .4 mile away, the sun is shining brightly.


So high water is a definite danger at this mall. Should shoppers ever have difficulty getting to their cars, management has a simple solution at the ready: Load them all into the Giant Gerbil Balls,roll 'em out to the parking lot, and let 'em go. 


The winner will be the one who finds his or her car, and who also does not throw up.