Hero vs. stink bugs

The Hero has valiantly taken up the call to arms against the current enemy in our home: the stink bug. It has been almost two months since the Great Yellow Jacket invasion, so we were due for something -- ants, flies, locusts, SOMETHING. Our home cannot remain bug-free for very long, due to Homeowner's Association rules.


The Hero called in expert reinforcement to help fight the yellow jackets. The reinforcement told us that we had done the right thing by having him come, because a yellow jacket's sting is very dangerous. "If it stings you in the eye, you'll never see again," he warned. "And if it gets you in the throat, well...it's all over."


Already we were feeling our throats close up. But that might have been due to the reinforcement's charge for his services.


Whatever was applied to the yellow jackets' nest was extremely effective: They left the nest, and then came in the house.


"It might take a while for them to die out," the reinforcement said when we called and frantically told him they were in the house.


Meanwhile, we protected our throats and eyes as best we could.


To keep them from invading the rest of the house, we quarantined some rooms. If we had to go into these rooms, we had established procedures for making sure no yellow jackets came in with us:


1. Conduct recon on the outside of the door to determine that there are no enemies lurking.
2. Carefully open the door, run inside, and slam the door shut.
3. Duct-tape all around the door's opening. 
4. Hope you do not need to use the bathroom anytime soon.
5. If hunger sets in, call for pizza delivery and have it sent in through the window.


We continue these tactics with the stink bugs, who are far less dangerous but just as annoying, because when the Lord told Abraham that his descendants would be "as the sands of the sea," the stink bugs thought He was talking about THEM. They have multiplied accordingly, many of them apparently right on our property.


We have therefore taken very seriously our right to defend our home and property, using a variety of techniques for getting rid of them. I personally recommend the use of two pieces of highly specialized equipment: a fly swatter and a toilet. 


But this method being slow and cumbersome, the Hero continues to be on the forefront of investigating new techniques against the stink bugs. Wherever his quest leads, we know what will be on the other side of this invasion: Something else to bug us.