Hoist the barber haulers!

Sailing, as we discovered, is a discipline with its own distinct terminology. The first thing to know is that none of it is in English. At the very least, it takes great liberties with the English most of us know. This is evident, for example, from a quick look through a book the Hero acquired on the subject. Here, in no particular order, are some important things one will have to study in order to be knowledgeable about sailing:


Inserting the gooseneck into the mast
Attaching the mainsheet rachet block to the traveler car
Using travelers and barber haulers
Beating in a blow
Stepping the mast, stepping a hinged mast, straight lift stepping (Note: These are NOT dance terms)
Balancing a cat from the trapeze


When I first looked over the contents of the book, everything looked pretty complicated, so I flipped right away to the section on "Drowning." I figured that in the event I was unable to master anything else in the book -- which was likely -- a section on how to avoid drowning might come in handy.


During our lesson, Captain Russ gave us instructions and used terms that were not covered in this particular book. Below are a couple of these, along with their definitions as we understood them:


The other left
When making any maneuver with the vessel, whichever way you initially move will be wrong, and you will need to move in the opposite direction. This term may be used to cover up the fact that you really aren't sure which way is left (things are so different out on the water, aren't they?).


Mayday, mayday!
This cry of alarm is to be used only in EXTREME emergencies, such as when you unfurl the sails in the boat and a gazillion spiders drop out and start running all over the place. Or when a rogue wave washes over the boat and ruins your hairdo. Don't you HATE that?


To help you learn additional terms and maneuvers involved in sailing, we have prepared a helpful quiz. (If you need answers, well, maybe sailing really isn't for you.)


1. the luff; sailing by the luff
a. the flagging of sails due to improper trim or heading
b. a place located somewhere on one's posterior, as in "sailing by the luff of your pants"


2. hoisting the jib
a. raising the forward sail
b. attempting to tell one's crew member to lift Jim aft when one has a cold


3. popping the battens
a. giving the boom a push-pull to get the sail supports on the right side
b. a safety maneuver performed on one's trousers when one has had too much for lunch

4. jib barber hauler
a. a line attached to the forward sail
b. the name of a commercial bus transporting hair cutters named Jim with colds


5. Boomvang
a. a system used to hold the boom down
b. the sound occurring immediately after whoever is operating the boat says, "Uh, oh"


You now know about as much as the Hero and I do about sailing. Happy jibing!