Letter of Intent to the Homeowners Association

Dear Homeowners Association,

As we approach the fall season, you are no doubt aware that we homeowners will be carrying out certain tasks to ready our homes and yards for cooler weather -- tidying up falling leaves, making sure gutters are in good condition, sealing the entire outside of the house in Super Saran Wrap to keep out stink bugs, etc.  

Ha ha, of COURSE we are not serious about that last item. Well, not entirely serious. We're sure you will agree that there are other, less dramatic methods of dealing with this insidious, disgusting creature that will soon be trying to invade our homes, our cars, our attics, our gardens, our bathrooms, our pantries, the very highest levels of our government -- oh, sorry.

Anyway, we would like to submit, for your consideration and approval, a proposal to apply one of these less dramatic methods to protect our home, keeping in mind that if denied, we COULD always fall back on that Saran Wrap idea.

Mindful that the association must uphold strict, thoroughly logical and impartial guidelines for all homeowners, we graciously offer several options, all of which would be entirely organic. We propose keeping, on our property, an organism that has been shown (according to various .com sites, all VERY reputable sources) to enjoy feasting on stink bugs.

According to these authorities we have consulted, a number of animals -- we use this term in a very general sense, as you will see -- would be helpful in our bid to oust our enemy. Here, we list them and give a brief overview of their relative suitability for combatting stink bugs and for life in the community environment.

1. Chickens. Advantages: Like to peck at things, like (hopefully) stink bugs. Drawback: If they don't work out as stink bug predators, they really don't make good guard pets. Bonus: If they don't work out as stink bug predators, they can double as dinner.

2. Turkeys. Advantage: Big and mean. Drawback: Big and mean. 

3. Chickadees. Advantage: Perhaps a suitable alternative to both the chicken and the turkey, a chickadee being basically a small chicken. Bonus: Superb "cute" factor.

4. Peacocks: Advantage: Like very large turkeys, but prettier. Bonus: Their tendency to emit a very unfortunate screech may act as a deterrent to neighborhood crime. Drawback: May cause car accidents if seen from road.

5. Skunks. Advantage: Their tendency to emit something much more unfortunate than a screech may, in fact, convince the stink bugs that they could never compete, and may scare them off. Drawback: This feature may also scare off the entire neighborhood.

6. Black widow spiders. Super Saran Wrap doesn't sound so bad all of a sudden, does it? 

We breathlessly await your reply. In the meantime, we may just saunter down to Costco to stock up on Super Saran Wrap...

Yours truly (unless you rule against us),