Please pass the toilet paper

The news is full of dire subjects these days -- unemployment, furloughs, royal babies receiving unfortunate names with absolutely no say in the matter. It's always a good idea, when facing difficult situations such as these, to be reminded that really, all things considered, we should be glad we don't live in Venezuela. 

I say this because recently the people in Venezuela faced a truly grave situation: a critical shortage of toilet paper.

Now, these are people who are used to a scarcity of basics such as milk and sugar. But there are basics, and then there are basics. Toilet paper is one of those basics. This shortage cuts to the core rights of individuals to pursue life, liberty, and soft tissue for their bums.

The shortage has been variously attributed to price controls, malicious intent by anti-government forces, and mischievous pygmy monkeys. Logically, of course, it is easy to see that only one of these choices can be the actual reason: malicious intent by pygmy monkey anti-government forces.

But possibly there is another, simpler explanation. Perhaps the youth of the country, bent as they are in any culture on making it known that they are a force to be reckoned with, by any means necessary -- including but not limited to wearing underwear on the outside of their pants -- are stockpiling the precious toilet paper for some future nefarious purpose, such as TP'ing government buildings or wearing it over their underwear over their pants.

Or, we could go with the pygmy monkey theory. The monkeys could, after all, be in cahoots with the youth. And they would look cuter wearing the toilet paper.