The other day in the mail we received a packet of items designed to entice us to subscribe to one of my favorite childhood magazines. It is an interesting development in the solicitations we receive. When we were first married, we received a great deal of advertisements for local nursing home services. Perhaps having finally realized we are not in need of eldercare services quite yet, advertisers have decided to explore whether we are at the other end of the continuum, raising small children.
The Hero, not being familiar with this particular periodical -- his childhood interest in reading ran more to the likes of comic books -- asked what I recalled about the magazine from my early days. Two things, I said: Hidden Pictures, and Goofus and Gallant.
The Hidden Pictures feature was just what the name suggests -- pictures of items hidden in a picture that you searched for and, when located, circled with a bright red crayon so as to ruin the search for future readers. Since at the time no one else in my house was under the age of 15, this did not cause much of a problem. But it was extremely annoying when one picked up a crayoned copy at the doctor's or dentist's office.
But Goofus and Gallant was far more compelling, because it was Very Moral. The boys were characters in a strip, and in any given situation Gallant would undoubtedly embark on the right, polite, or otherwise socially accepted course of action, while Goofus never failed to cause gasps of moral outrage with his rude behavior.
It was very satisfying to despise Goofus. Unless one tended to BE like Goofus; then it was very satisfying to despise Gallant.
It is unclear from the advertisement whether Goofus and Gallant remain part of the magazine. But it is unlikely, as Goofus probably long ago sued the magazine for misrepresentation and emotional damages. Clearly, with his background he would have had a difficult time building a successful career as an adult; what employer would have trusted him? Even CEO Gallant (because you just knew Gallant would grow up to be CEO of something someday) would hardly have hired him given their shared history.
"Goofus, Goofus," Gallant would say, shaking his head, "you KNOW you never follow through on anything." And it was true. In the strip, Goofus's mother could ask him a hundred times to put away his socks, but he never did. Could such an individual be relied upon to keep expenses within budget and turn in a coherent annual report?
Another change is that the single magazine is now three magazines, one for babies and toddlers, one for preschoolers and primary age, and one for older school-age kids. According to rumors, the company is also considering targeting other groups, including prenatal babies and perhaps pets.
Strangely, this packet of materials was addressed to the Hero, not me. He denies any knowledge of how he may have appeared on their mailing list. But even though he was not privileged to glean from its and wisdom in his younger days, he saw the potential in it immediately -- particularly for babies, who are generally a hard sell when it comes to magazines.*
For example, the letter in the packet reprinted a poem from one issue of the baby and toddler magazine that went something like this:
I cuddle like a bug
As I share a warm hug
In the big soft chair.
Later in the day
My friends and I will play
In the big soft chair.
The Hero, getting into the rhythm of the poem, added his own verse:
Then as bedtime draws near
I'll have a nice cold beer,
And fall asleep in the big soft chair.**
It seems safe to say that his future career at a children's magazine might be over before it starts.
Yet his ideas were not exhausted with the poetry. Moving on to articles that might be helpful to babies, he came up with the following title possibilities:
"How's that cry working out for you? Need to jazz it up? 5 steps to more effective crying (counting ability not necessary)"
"No one paying attention to you? How to poop to greater effect"
"You found your mouth...what's next? Body parts for beginners"
On second thought, there is an audience for almost everything. The Hero may very well find his, perhaps among new fathers short on sleep.
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* This is due to their short attention span, which makes it difficult for them to listen to advertising pitches. And the fact that they haven't quite mastered paying by credit card yet. But the iPhone 6 may change this latter shortcoming.
** The Hero does not necessarily advocate engaging in this behavior, particularly at the tender age of 1.
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