Cupcake vs. Muffin

At the beginning of each year, friends of ours choose a food that their whole family agrees they will all abstain from for the entire year. This is admirable, as long as it is not us doing it. If it were us, we would no doubt choose things like cabbage or rutabaga. We are real sacrificers, as you can tell.

But this is not what our friends do. They choose foods like cake. Soda. Candy. Chips. Fast food. Foods that are vital to one's well-being.

A whole year.

The trouble begins with defining the particular food. This year, for example, the shunned food is cake. So chocolate cake is out, of course. But what about brownies? Brownies are different, they decided. They're not cake, so they're allowed. But most box mixes give options for fudgy brownies and cake-like brownies. So is a cake-like brownie a cake? Little harder, but...still not cake, they decided.

Which brings us to muffins.

I took several desserts to a function at the house of these friends recently, among them cupcakes. Totally forgetting about their cake ban, I told the Hero that he was not to make any  moves on the cupcakes before we went to our friends' house, as I wanted to make sure there were enough for everyone. The morning of, I remembered the Cake Vow. There were too many cupcakes for us to keep at home—though the Hero strenuously objected to this reasoning—and so off we went with our taboo dessert, along with others that were allowed.

"You're gonna have plenty of cupcakes," I told him. He was delighted saddened to hear that the family would not be able to partake.

At our friends' house the rest of us all endeavored to find a loophole that would allow the family to eat the cupcakes without violating their decision. A lively discussion ensued as to whether the cupcakes were actually cupcakes, or whether we could assign them to a more healthy, non-banned category of food, such as muffins.

"It's got butternut squash in it," someone pointed out.

Clearly, the involvement of a vegetable meant it was not cupcake-ish.

Perhaps the frosting was a clear demarcation between muffin and cupcake. "Scrape off the frosting and it'll be a muffin," I suggested.

This seemed to give the mother pause, but after considering the example she was setting for her four kids if she crossed into a cupcake gray area, she contented herself with cookies and brownies.

I admired this. Not enough to institute such a ban myself, but enough to keep all the cupcakes at home next time. So as not to tempt anyone, of course.

A lack of mystery

The Princess is mourning the end of her mystery writing class, during which she was immersed in the intricacies of creating sympathetic yet dynamic characters, bumping off characters without leaving behind too much to clean up, and pondering exactly what "sympathetic yet dynamic character" means. During this time, she often asked the Hero deep questions about life, such as "Do dogs eat graham crackers?"

This question was extremely relevant to the story she was working on, because the character she found most challenging to write about was not the main character -- a hair stylist by day and food blogger by other times -- nor her friend, a priest, nor even the bad guy. No, the most challenging character was: a dog. The food blogger's terrier, named Massachusetts. This difficulty of taking a dog's perspective arose because the sum total of the Princess's knowledge about dogs is 1) they eat, 2) they sleep, 3) they bark, and 4) they are among the most pitiable of creatures, because they cannot eat chocolate.

Unfortunately the Hero's canine knowledge is about the same, and he had no wisdom to offer on the graham cracker question. You can see how this small store of knowledge would limit what the Princess could write about Massachusetts. His principle role in the story is mostly as a vacuum cleaner of sorts, inhaling anything with even a particle of food substance in it, and standing guard at the oven door when his owner, the food blogger, is testing one of her new creations. He is not, however, an entirely one-dimensional character: He also stars in a few napping scenes.

However, we should point out that the story currently has just two chapters and a prologue, so there is the potential for Massachusetts to climb to heights of greatness and extreme usefulness in the story, provided there is some tasty treat at the top of the climb.

For ten weeks the Princess parked on a couch to plan and execute devious plot scenes and write witty dialogue. She was loathe to interrupt her writing sessions and leave the couch, so she often prevailed upon the Hero to bring her beverages, snacks, and other life-sustaining substances such as the Sunday comics. Though happy to oblige, at times the Hero feared that she would eventually fuse with the couch, and that would never do, because then how would he take naps?

The Hero provided invaluable feedback as an objective reader of the Princess's writing, particularly because he could offer an all-important male perspective ("You should put in more puke scenes"). Not all of his advice was followed ("Why doesn't the good guy beat up the bad guy?"), but it was appreciated nevertheless.

Now that the class, and its deadlines, are over, the Princess is suffering ennui, although the Hero is strongly urging her to finish her story (and to include something that blows up, like a car, or an oven). She may, she says. To keep it percolating in her mind, every now and then she has a random thought about her story line. Like, whether sympathetic yet dynamic characters ever experience ennui.

Princess vs. Fish

Okay, so it wasn't so much Princess vs. Fish as it was Princess vs. Princess, because to be fair, the fish was already deceased so there was not really anything required from the Princess to make it any more so.

We are referring to the feat accomplished by the Princess of cooking a whole fish, defined as a fish with all its outer parts intact except scales and possibly marine freeloaders. Heretofore she had never even eaten a fish that did not already, before reaching her, undergo so great a transformation during prep and cooking that if contestants on some game show were asked to identify it, they would be more likely to label it a Schwinn Mesa 2 Mens Mountain Bike sooner than a fish.

But, as outlined in the previous post, two whole fish were presented to the Princess for cooking by the CSA people, who have no sympathy whatsoever. She was very brave, and although she did lay a sheet of paper towel over the head of the first fish while preparing it, by the second fish she was emboldened enough to lay just half a sheet of paper towel over its head.

The fish heads did undergo a rather alarming alteration in appearance during broiling, which made the Princess regret not buying those little things you can put over fish eyes while they cook. Let's just say they resembled a strange sea creature of the deep. Way deep.

The Hero, hero that he is, chopped off the offending fish heads before serving the meal. Even a Princess can make only so many culinary strides in one day.

For skeptics who may not believe the Princess could actually accomplish this feat, we have provided a photo of the conquered fish, sans head. Bon appétit!

Revenge of the fish song

Here are some excerpts from a little conversation we had this week with our CSA.

Me: Hi, the list for this week says we are getting a whole branzino fish. Um, does that mean the whole fish -- like, head, eyes, all that stuff?

CSA: Yes! You'll love the branzino. Each fish is about a pound, but of course you won't actually get a pound out of it to eat, if you know what we mean.

Me: So, there will be eyes.

CSA: Yes. But it's already gutted. Just the head is on. And tail. And fins.

Me: And the eyes.

CSA: Yes. Yes, there will be eyes.

Me: Two eyes. Dead ones.

CSA: Uh, yes, we anticipate there will be two eyes per fish. And the fish are definitely dead when they reach the customer.

Me: You don't, um, cut the eyes out first?

CSA: Nope, you can cook it right in the oven or in a pan on the stove just the way it is!

Me: I put it in my pan WITH THE HEAD ON??

CSA: It'll just need a little lemon and butter, and you're all set!

Me: There is a fish with dead eyes staring at me from my frying pan, and a little lemon and butter is supposed to FIX that??

CSA: Really, ma'am, it'll be fine. You'll love it. Let us know how it goes! (heh heh heh)

In an attempt to comfort the Princess (and himself) about cooking eye-infested fish, the Hero sent her this link. Now all she can do is hum the song. We are thinking of passing it along to the CSA people so they can hum it all day long, too.

Murder is afoot

The Princess has been reminded by a concerned reader that it has been quite some time since she has communicated via the blog. With deepest apologies, she promises to return soon, although possibly not real soon. She is deep in the throes (writers are always "in the throes") of learning the art of mystery writing, which has caused her to pretend she knows something about how to kill off characters. This is something that has never happened in the blog, of course, unless plants count as characters, in which case plenty of murder has occurred. Someday she might write a post about the plants getting their revenge. Stay tuned.

In pursuit of the Great American Mystery novel

The Princess has embarked on a quest to write the Great American Mystery novel, or failing that, to at least not embarrass herself in front of fellow students in her new mystery writing class online. And to not make the instructor fervently wish that she had chosen some other occupation, ANY occupation. Like maybe being a stunt double for a pregnant rhino.

Currently the class is focusing on developing characters, and also plot so that the characters are not bored. The students have learned that characters should be as believable as possible, and therefore they are often based on real people. Friends and associates of the Princess will be happy to know that they themselves may appear, at least in some version, in her writings during this class. They may be surprised, however, to find that they MIGHT not survive the story. This is, after all, a mystery writing class.

The Hero is solidly behind the Princess in her new endeavor, the better to keep an eye on her in case she should feel the need to try out some method of bumping off an unsuspecting victim. He has offered much helpful advice, most of which boils down to "Kill someone OTHER than the husband. Maybe there doesn't even NEED to be a husband in the story. That way he can't get hurt."

There are many ways of approaching a story, but the Princess seems, at this early date, to have settled into the following writing routine:

1) Gather as many writing books as possible and read through them for helpful direction.
2) Skip over the parts in the books that say, "Writing is hard work."
3) Search mind for inspiration. Failing that, search memory. Then last two months of news stories. Snoopy's Guide to Writing ("It was a dark and stormy night." "The."). Dove candy bar wrapper ("Take time to relax and pamper yourself." Ah! Some advice she actually finds useful).
4) Desperately order more inspirationally wrapped Dove candy bars from Mars Corporation. Several cases of a thousand would not be too many.
5) Finally, on the brink of lateness, turn in story idea that includes rabbits, aprons, rolling pins, and late rabbit husbands.

Clearly the world is not quite ready for the likes of whodunits according to the Princess, but she is determined to learn the craft of writing mysteries. She would prefer that there be no violence in her stories, a sentiment shared by a fellow student who admits that although he enjoys reading more "hard-core" crime stories (defined as stories with a firm ban on bunnies and rolling pins), he has no desire to write such stories. Hence, they both have consigned themselves to writing cozy mysteries, which are not nearly so scary as other mysteries because they usually involve an amateur sleuth who is just a normal, human being, such as you might live next door to, whose habit it is to encounter bodies of the previously living, who were themselves, in life, normal human beings such as might live next door to...the amateur sleuth.

See? Nothing scary there.

Some of the other students in the class shared that they sometimes get past their writer's block by getting out and "walking where their protagonist walks." They might visit a museum, a bar, a coffee shop. Talk to poodles or people wearing wigs. The Princess immediately began to plan a story that takes place in Hawaii, or possibly Fuji, and suggested to the Hero that if she was going to really succeed at this business of writing, she simply MUST walk where her characters walk. Beaches at sunset. Dormant volcanoes. Etc.

The Hero, ever supportive, is all for it. As long as someone else gets bumped off.

The January holidays

Welcome to January, the National Month of Guilt. This holiday is celebrated by many in remembrance of all the eggnog and gingerbread and fruitcake indulged in over the holiday season, and also in forgettance of all the new year's resolutions made just a few days ago -- indeed, in some case just a few moments ago.

This holiday is afforded an entire month because we, as Americans, do guilt. Big. A National DAY of Guilt would not be nearly enough to dwell on our individual and collective neglect of self-discipline and contentment. Many of us indulged for an entire month, and it is only fitting, we tell ourselves, that we should spend an entire month beating ourselves with the Stick of Guilt.

This year our daily newspaper evidently decided that its readers are not beating themselves hard enough with that stick. It ran an ad with a large headline declaring "New Year's Resolution #1: Eat healthier." What followed was not sensible ways to keep this resolution, or even an ad for health food. It was an ad for DOG food.

Apparently it is not enough that we should feel guilty for behavior that affects ourselves. Now we must feel a weighty responsibility for those dependent on us. Clearly, the newspaper was implying, we have dragged those least able to resist down with us into the morass of bad habits. We must pay not only on behalf of ourselves but also on behalf of our pets. More resolutions to make! More to go unfulfilled!

Fido, go fetch that Stick of Guilt. Looks like we're gonna need it.