Advertising for friends

Since I'm approaching 40, and since it's a documented fact that although people don't make many new friends after 40 (see March 5), friends are vital to one's health as one gets even older than 40 -- just like so many other things in life, as your need goes up, the supply decreases -- I've been trying to think of new ways to make friends. Why not advertise for them? I thought. People advertise for all sorts of things, some of which are better left unmentioned. The problem with many of these ads, though, is that people are not honest. They make themselves out to sound so wonderful that you wonder why they had to take out an ad in the first place ("tall, unbelievably gorgeous, gourmet cook, rescues women and cats from burning buildings," etc.). Let's get real. Wouldn't it save everyone time and effort and disappointment if people were just honest up front? "No, I wouldn't risk my life to get your cat out of your apartment building if it were on fire." Then you'd know never to leave your cat alone with that person and a box of matches.

So I'm thinking it would make more sense to advertise what you're not, so people don't get the wrong idea (and so you don't get the wrong friends). For instance, this might be a useful sort of ad:

"Is not particularly tall, attractive, or talented. Hates cleaning. Hates sewing, quilting, anything involving needles or eye-hand manipulation. Can't stand morning cheeriness. Hates mindless chit-chat as well as deep, probing conversations forcing one to bare one's soul (moderation in everything). Allergic to outdoor activities requiring exertion and intimate contact with nature. Abhors trying new foods, especially ones that are good for you or that come from a country with a high rate of unskilled labor. Strongly disapproves of doing anything on own that someone else could be paid to do. Suspicious of learning new skills or hobbies. Shudders at the thought of being forced to look through phone-book-sized albums of grandchildren or pets. Speaking of pets, hates those too unless they are self-sufficient, including cleaning up after themselves. Scorns Daytimers, PDAs, and scheduling calendars with little "Reminder!" and "Appointment!" stickers. Strongly disapproves of wallpaper.

If you have any of these interests, please answer someone else's ad."