Do you know how many people each year are maimed or killed by vacuum cleaners? Neither do I, but I'll bet it's a lot. It probably, and I am just taking a wild guess here, surpasses all other causes of injury and death put together, including plague, war, etc.
The attachments on upright vacuums are useless. You have to pull the tube out so far to reach anything that you pull the vacuum over on top of you. And then, as you are flailing and thrashing and trying to right yourself and the vacuum, the vacuum is sucking up everything in the room, including the walls.
But vacuums also have a mind of their own. Open the closet door to take the machine out to use it, and it just plows right over you, eagerly searching for dirt. A cord that wasn't there a minute before suddenly makes you trip. Or the vacuum quietly wraps its cord around a floor lamp, waiting for just the right moment when you stretch the cord too far before it yanks on the lamp and brings it crashing down on you. Someday, after my death, someone is going to say, "How did she die, officer?" "Well, it appears the vacuum cleaner knocked her out and pinned her to the floor." And that will be the end of me. Done in by 20 pounds of plastic.
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