Saving Daylight Savings Time

You may have noticed that Daylight Savings Time keeps getting longer. Last fall, it was extended one week, and in the spring we sprang forward three weeks earlier than usual, with the result that millions of children all over America were awake long after their parents stumbled to bed in a daze. "They'll get used to it sooner or later," they mumbled to each other, as their children, unable to fall asleep an hour earlier, gleefully glued bits of paper to the family dog as an "art project."

Although I appreciate the sun rising at 6:00 a.m. in the middle of March as much as the next city-dwelling person who must arise three hours before the start of work in order to get there on time, if the DST people really wanted to be helpful, they would address a more pressing issue facing the average American in the summertime: when to fill our cars with gas and water our lawns.

Consider these facts and resulting dilemmas:

Fact 1. We are not supposed to fill our gas tanks during hot, humid weather lest we allow harmful ozone-eating gases to escape. In this part of the country in July, hot, humid weather is pretty much with us the entire day and night, leaving approximately the hours of 2 a.m. to 4 a.m. to safely fill our cars with gas.

Dilemma 1: Relatively few -- say, 0 -- gas stations are open during these hours.

Fact 2: These hours are also bad for watering our lawns and gardens.

Dilemma 2: Although those homeowners blessed with automatic sprinklers can easily set them to come on between 2 and 4 -- and frequently did where I used to live -- it is a little more inconvenient for those of us who have to deliver water via cupped hands to our parched flowers to do so in the dead of night.

Therefore, I propose that we institute an Extreme Daylight Savings Program, wherein the time allotted for necessary activities, like putting gas in the car or watering the yard, is stretched to 12 hours, and work time is reduced to between the hours of 10 and 1 daily (with an hour for lunch). Whatever time is left over from your Necessary Activity Time Allotment could be used for Leisure Pursuits. After all, experts are always saying that we work-driven and sleep-deprived Americans need more time for ourselves and our families.

Even better, we could establish work hours between the hours of 2 and 4 a.m., and leave all the rest of the time for other pursuits. Any actual work done during this time would, of course, be on the honor system.

Now, some do-gooder worried about the most vulnerable members of our society is going to say, "But what about the children?" To which I say, What about them? Most of them like to stay up late, so I'm sure something could be worked out so that they do not fall behind in their studies. The average public school only delivers actual education for about an hour a day anyway, so in my model -- the 2 to 4 a.m. model -- the little ones would be doubling their time of learning. Why, they'd get to be so smart, someday when they are grown up they'd only have to work from 2 to 3.

In the meantime, my body is on Sleep All the Time Time, so you'll excuse me if I bow out early. I have to be up at 2 to go fill my car with gas.