A brave new world

As I have mentioned before, after visiting almost every historic site existing in this country since the Pilgrims arrived, we vowed that this year we would have a different type of vacation. As you saw with our trip to Mount Vernon, we are well on our way to exploring new places. So when we talked about taking a longer trip, Joe was eager to put all that historic stuff behind us and forge new trails.

"Colonial Williamsburg in Virginia looks pretty cool," he said.

"We were going to try something nonhistoric this year," I reminded him.

"Like what?"

"Well, like visit a national park..."

"And do what?" he demanded. "Hike? Bike? Camp out in the middle of nowhere with mosquitoes and horseflies and bears and no Dairy Queen?"

We looked at each other.

"Hand me the Williamsburg brochure," I said.

The first order of business, after choosing a destination so wildly different from anything we'd ever done before, was to find a place to stay. Now, requirements for a hotel differ widely between men and women, as you will see by the following.

Her requirements for a hotel:
1. Clean
2. Sheets starched so that they are standing at attention
3. Attractive, inviting, cozy room resembling those of the great mansions of the past
4. Bathroom the size of the Taj Mahal
5. Clean and spotless
6. Absolutely no record of any bugs, spiders, fleas, rats, viral outbreaks, politicians, etc.
7. Enough towels for a 3-week stay, even if just staying overnight
8. Clean and spotless to the point of sterileness
9. Self-operating ironing board
10. Room service with offerings from best restaurants all over the world
11. Did I say clean?
12. Staff willing to submit to background, fingerprint, and fingernail checks

His requirements for a hotel:
1. Some sort of covering overhead (bugs optional)

So you can imagine that I had some misgivings when Joe took charge of securing lodging for our trip. Each place he found online was meticulously scrutinized for adherence to my requirements.

"Look at this lodge," he said excitedly.

Of all 12 of my requirements, I could imagine none that could possibly be met by something calling itself a "lodge."

"Move on," I said.

"But it looks really neat," he said, then his voice changed to disbelief. "It's $256 a night!"

"Really?" I said, looking closer at it. Maybe I had been a bit rash with regard to lodges.

I should have mentioned that most men actually have a second requirement for hotels. It is spelled C-H-E-A-P.

And so he moved on.

We finally settled on a place that has recently undergone a $4-million restoration, which I thought was a good sign. And most important, there is a Dairy Queen next door.

This blog will not appear Friday and Monday, as we will be eagerly embarking on our new adventure.