Got dog?

We've noticed an increase in the number of residents in our area lately, especially the four-footed kind. So many people have a dog, or two or three, that we're kind of surprised we're allowed to live here without one. Any day now, we expect a letter from the Homeowners' Association.

Dear Homeowners,

It has come to our attention that you are in egregious violation of the standards of the Homeowners' Association (hereafter referred to as the "HOA," although we prefer "Your Royal Highnesses") regarding canine ownership. Rule 793205xiv$&*% clearly states that all domiciles will retain at least one animal of canine persuasion, which shall be of sufficient stature to wreak havoc within the domicile. That is, said canine must be at least 5 feet tall (with standing height of 7 feet, 2 inches), and weigh a minimum of 127 pounds, although a little-known rule also states that the size of the dog must be inversely related to the size of the dwelling. In other words, the smaller your home, the bigger the dog should be.

You have been sighted numerous times walking about the neighborhood alone, unaccompanied by a dog. This is in violation of Rule BVK@@@J. We begin to suspect that you do not own a cat either, although this cannot be proven, as cats are not easy to be found if they do not want to be.

Our community has standards to uphold, and regrettably, you have not shown a willingness to support them. Your neighbors are all clearly doing their part. Many have two or even three dogs larger than themselves, and others own cats, rabbits, ferrets, frogs, stuffed foxes, etc., along with their dogs. Your failure to comply with this mandate borders on anti-canine sentiment, which will NOT be tolerated in this community. Our neighborhood was founded on principles of equality among people and canines, and we are charged with ensuring that this legacy continues. You set a poor example for new homeowners, many of whom do not read their 47-inch-thick homeowner's manual, and therefore look to their neighbors for guidance in keeping the canine standards of our lovely community.

We regret that, according to Rule """""", we must impose sanctions for Failure to Retain a Canine, which shall include a fine of not less than $7,483,542. If violations continue, the offending homeowners shall be placed in the community dog run and, in full view of the public, slobbered upon by the approximately 1,926 dogs currently living in the immediate area.

We trust, however, that now that this matter has been brought to your attention (and the dire consequences of your violations duly noted), you will realize your error and institute immediate action to rectify the situation. Within three days, this HOA must have proof that you have fallen in love with, and brought into your home, a dog meeting the size requirements set forth earlier in this document. We expect you and this canine to appear at the next scheduled HOA meeting, at which the dog will be closely questioned to determine whether he or she is, indeed, a member of your household.

If you have any further questions for us, such as why our Rules do not follow any established numbering system, please do not hesitate to contact us. We can be reached during the hours of 8 a.m. and 5 p.m., except when we are out walking our dogs.

Sincerely yours,
HOA Canine Task Force