The Great Freezer Clean-out

Another task on my visit to my parents' was cleaning out their freezers. For as long as I've been around, my parents have had two freezers -- one in the kitchen, and another, Sam's Club-size one in the basement. In this one, they store food that they can use in the event of a catastrophic occurrence, like a giant meteorite destroying all forms of life except my parents.

There is just one problem with this. My parents do not necessarily use the first in, first out method with the food they put in the freezer, and therefore some of it has been around probably since meteorites were invented.

I have never seen some of the life forms that exist in this freezer. As I bagged them for disposal, it briefly crossed my mind that perhaps I should send them to a scientist who works with rare organisms. Maybe the scientist could even find a cure for some disease with what resides in my parents' freezer. Or create a new disease.

After I had filled two garbage bags with items from the freezer, I went to see my mom. She talked about everything she would have to do when she came home.

"Well, at least I won't have to cook for a while," she said. "Thank goodness there are a lot of meals in the freezer."

"Uh, maybe not as many as there used to be," I said.

She looked at me. I explained about my detoxification efforts and how almost the entire contents of the freezer were now awaiting disposal.

"Bah," she said dismissively. "I use food from that freezer all the time, and it's just fine."

I tried to remember the last time I ate at my parents' house and whether I had noticed anything different afterward, like growing another nose, or almost dying.

It's a good thing my mother is not in charge of making those charts that tell you how long food can stay in the freezer. Hers would look something like this:

Whole chicken: 5 decades, or the homeowner's death, whichever comes last
Pork chops: 6 presidential administrations (more if none of them are re-elected)
Cheese: perhaps not as long as chicken, but certainly longer than pork chops
Meatloaf: can never be destroyed, therefore ideal in event of meteorites hitting
Bread: until the Lord's return, and possibly into eternity

I can imagine receiving a letter from an eminent researcher for my donations to science from the freezer:

Dear Mrs. B.,

Thank you for your recent donation of Unidentified Freezer Life Forms to our laboratory. We regret that we are unable to use them for research. We are curious about one thing, however. How long ago, exactly, did your parents' cat expire?