Some time ago we discussed the various search terms that lead readers to this blog. I have concluded, based on an exhaustive scientific scrutiny of these searches, that the greatest need of American workers is not more knowledge, not more degrees, not even more job security. Their greatest need is information on how to decorate their cubicles.
Far too many workers are entering the workplace not only without the necessary skills to build an attractive cubicle from the ground up, but also without the awareness that this is an expectation. I believe that the job interview is an excellent venue for sharing the employer's expectations for cubicle visual appearance (CVA), and to avoid mismatches in the hiring process, I propose that all employers conduct an interview such as the following.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are a CVA. That's pretty impressive.
Potential Employee: Um, actually, that's CPA.
Interviewer: Oh?
Potential Employee: Yes, in my last position I saved my employer over $5,000,000 due to --
Interviewer: Yes, yes, I'm sure you would make a very capable accountant for us. Now tell me a little bit about your cubicle decorating experience.
Potential Employee: Well, um, I guess you might say I am somewhat of a minimalist. I prefer subtle touches, such as photos of myself water skiing, photos of myself with my poodle, also some occasional photos of myself helping orphans in Africa. Oh, I brought some pictures of my previous cubicle here for you. (reaches into briefcase and hands them to interviewer) It won an award for Most Improved Cubicle (proudly).
I: (glances through photos) I see. Have you had any experience with other media, such as silk flowers, mismatched vases, streamers, Grecian pillars, and so on?
P.E.: (scratches head) Well, I once tried hanging some oversized pineapples over my desk, but the fire marshal declared them a hazard and made me take it all down.
I: (nods soberly) Yes, fire marshals are sometimes hostile to the decorated working environment. (looks at photos again) And how large was this cubicle you were responsible for? It's difficult to tell with this rather large photo of you surfing.
P.E.: It was, um, about 5 x 6.
I: (frowns) And did you stay at that level? Were you ever given extra responsibilities in a larger cubicle capacity?
P.E. (brightens): One year I was in charge of holiday decorating for the entire office.
I: Excellent. We happen to have an opening here for Holiday Decorator. The last person in that position, poor woman, disappeared in Michael's and was never seen again.
P.E.: I'm so sorry.
I: (looks away) She was last seen in the Hawaiian aisle, fingering the leis. We were having a Hawaiian-themed party that year....Yes, it was in the service of our company that she disappeared. (sniffs in a somewhat undignified manner)
P.E.: (murmurs sympathetically)
I: (clears throat) Yes, well, of course that was just a fluke; I'm sure nothing like that would ever happen to the next person in that position.
P.E.: (smiles weakly)
I: (looks over photos one last time) Well, I think you would fit in very well here. The job is yours if you want it.
P.E.: Uh, may I ask whether I'm being hired as a CPA or a Holiday Decorator?
I: Both, certainly! Times are tough everywhere. We don't have the budget to hire just a CPA who has no other skills.
P.E.: Okay.
I: And you're just in time! Halloween is just around the corner, and you'll need to get started right away. Oh, and I'll need your plan on dealing with the fire marshal first thing Monday morning.
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