It is time for our analysts to make some sense of our recent Halloween survey, which was generously filled out by an overwhelming total of 4 people. Thank you to all of our willing participants for helping to advance society's understanding of typical Halloween behavior. Your responses will no doubt one day lead to a very important breakthrough in understanding why most people -- at least according to this survey -- despite the fact that they have 11 whole months to decide on a costume, end up wearing some variation of a bed sheet.
Let me assure everyone that the scientific integrity of this survey is in no way compromised by the fact that we had to bribe some family members, friends, little old ladies crossing the street, etc., to fill it out. And although 4 respondents does not seem enough on which to base conclusions that are representative of the population in general, we figure half of the general population needs to be bribed to go through life itself, so our 4 responses should be a good representative sample. It would have, of course, been much easier to report our findings if FIVE people had responded, because 5 lends itself to percentages very nicely, but at least 4 is easier to make percentages out of than 3.
By far the most popular activity on Halloween -- besides eating all of one's own candy, which unfortunately was not an option on this question -- was sitting in one's house with all the lights turned off. It is difficult to say what this finding means. Are these people afraid to answer their door? Why are they afraid to answer their door? Did they forget to buy candy? Did they eat all the candy and have nothing left to give away? Were they waiting to pounce on unsuspecting trick-or-treaters and scare them off, thereby not having to explain why there is no candy left?
(This brings up an important point that has nothing to do with the survey. Due to our own neglect to buy any candy this year -- a decision prompted by the total lack of trick-or-treaters at our home the past three years -- Joe, failing to find any secret stash of chocolate, was forced to rummage through the pantry and give the four costumed children who came to our door whatever he could find. I sincerely apologize to those trick-or-treaters for any mental anguish caused by being the only ones in the entire county to receive low-fat granola bars in their candy bags.)
But back to our survey. In contrast to the respondents who sit in the dark on Halloween, one person apparently openly welcomes trick-or-treaters, but instead of giving them candy, hands out apples and toothbrushes. Clearly, this individual is concerned about children's health and well-being and is willing to buck tradition to be proactive about it. Clearly this individual is also sorely in need of psychological help. It is not the business of our analysts to think up punishments for respondents, but in this case they could not help thinking of a few.
For the next question on the survey, the category of pumpkin carving respondents felt they were mostly likely to win, half indicated that they would probably win the "most likely to end up in the emergency room" category. One individual checked "most likely to use power tools" to carve his (or her, but likely not) pumpkin. We suspect that this person, too, is likely to end up in the emergency room, but as the survey allowed for only one answer per question, this cannot be ascertained for certain.
The next two questions on the survey concerned dressing up for Halloween. Seventy-five percent of respondents indicated either that they still harbor secret wishes of being able to dress up and go trick-or-treating, or that they indeed still do so. These individuals are likely endeavoring to recapture some thrill from their youth, or perhaps just interested in free candy. We can probably safely conclude that as children, they were never confronted by the respondent who gives out apples and toothbrushes, or they would want nothing to do with trick-or-treating anymore.
As for what sort of costume respondents would dress up in if they were to dress up, one person indicated that he (or she, but I doubt it) would dress as a dead celebrity pirate. If this respondent is who I think he is, this yearning was no doubt inspired by past visits to the Carolinas, which for some reason have a number of deceased celebrity pirates in the area.
Half of respondents said that their costume would consist of whatever they could create in three minutes with a sheet, glitter, a hairnet, a fanny pack, and gladiator sandals. This image is truly frightening. Equally frightening, one respondent said that he (or she, which in this case is 50-50) would dress as his (or her) mother. Actually the sheet, glitter, hairnet, fanny pack, and gladiator sandals could be a description of someone's mother, although it does not describe MY mother, because MY mother would NEVER be caught wearing a bed sheet in public, unless it was ironed.
And finally, the question that probed for the information we all want to know about our acquaintances: "Do you plan to eat more candy than you give away?" Based on the results -- 75% admitted right out, or less right out, that they do -- some Halloween re-education is clearly warranted. Perhaps the apple-and-toothbrush individual should be the one to carry it out.
This marks our last discussion of Halloween on this blog, leaving it but a distant, happy memory, except for those unfortunate children who came to our door looking for Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and were sent away with low-fat granola bars. Hey, at least the granola bars weren't gluten free.
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