Now serving...nothing with any food in it

Unlike many families, mine has never established a traditional Christmas meal involving the same foods each year, although in many years spaghetti has made an appearance. One problem is the number of food allergies among us, by which I mean we collectively seem to be allergic to anything considered to be food.


When we were together this Christmas, I therefore set out to do a scientific analysis of each individual's eating restrictions to determine a meal everyone could eat.


"Well, good news," I announced. "I found one thing everyone can have."


"Lasagna?" a family member asked hopefully.


"Water."


The Hero's characteristic unselfishness moved him to forgo his gluten restrictions during our trip, so as to "spare the cooks too much trouble," he said.


"Just do it slowly," I cautioned. "Start with something small and see how it affects you."


This is what I said. What the Hero heard was:


"HAVE A HEAPING PLATE OF APPLE PIE. FOR BREAKFAST."


And the Hero obeyed what he heard.


And decided he liked having apple pie for breakfast. 


"What are we having for dinner?" he asked.


"Water," I said.


"Tap water? filtered water? bottled water?"

"Hush," I said.


"Well...I think I'll have apple pie."