The heat made us do it

Here in the East it has been 2011 this entire year, at least we were pretty sure it was up until recently. Now, however, we are beginning to suspect that it is actually summer of 2010 again, when we had 347 days of 100+ degree weather. Possibly the weather forecasters have put us in a time loop from last year while they are off enjoying a vacation someplace cooler, like the Amazon jungle.


The heat seems to be making everyone a little cranky. As we all board the afternoon commuter train, Conductor "Roger" (possibly his real name, but only slightly more likely than that his name is "Martha") makes continual announcements that clearly convey his belief that we are all nincompoops: "This train does NOT go to New Carrollton," he intones loudly and often, "OR Seabrook, OR Bowie State, OR Odenton. I repeat, this train will not be stopping at New Carrollton, OR Seabrook, OR Bowie State, OR Odenton. If one of those is your stop, please get OFF the train now. We do not go to those places. I repeat..."


Someday soon, fueled by Roger's condescension and the 118-degree heat, the entire train is going to rise up in righteous indignation and take revenge on him. Possibly this revenge will involve dumping him off at New Carrollton, or Seabrook, or Bowie State, or Odenton, where his own train will not even be able to rescue him, because that train does not stop at New Carrollton, or Seabrook, or Bowie State, or Odenton.


In this heat we find ourselves feeling annoyed not only with Roger but also with relatively pleasant Conductor "Marvin," who each morning, without fail, reminds us in his monotone voice, "If you wish to stand while on the train, please do not stand in the entryways. Do not stand in the vestibule. Do not block the doorways. Also please do not stand in the stairwell." At least he says please. But he seems to leave us only one place to stand: on the outside of the train.


This may not be all that bad, because those who stand outside will have a good view of both Roger and Marvin, dumped at a train station where the train does not stop, frantically trying to flag down help. As the train pulls away, the passengers will be sure to tell them to please not block the stairwell, or the entryway, or the...