Typically when beginning this strenuous endeavor, we vow to never again let the house get into such a state, and that the next time we want to have people over, to do something far more sensible: abandon the house and pretend we do not have anyplace to invite people to.
But of course we do not actually do this. Instead, we call upon the one person we always turn to in times of a house crisis: Peter.
Peter is an author and expert on getting rid of the clutter in your house so that you can live the life you've always wanted, provided that life does not already belong to someone else in some other place, such as a sun-soaked mansion in Hawaii. But if you have more modest goals, such as being able to finally locate the bathtub in your second-floor bathroom, Peter is your man.
It takes a humble person to admit you need the help of someone like Peter. Luckily, this humility can often be offset by the realization that your home is not HALF as bad as most of Peter's clients' homes.
Still, we personally would be mortified to ever have Peter actually visit us.
As part of our present purge, as Peter often calls clutter removal, we went through some boxes in the basement. He recommends various techniques for dealing with items in storage boxes, such as taping the boxes securely and anonymously sending them to someone who, by your judgment, has an issue with perfectionism and, you believe in your heart, could benefit from some clutter in their home.
Just kidding! In actuality, homeowners are advised by Peter to make three piles as they sort through their clutter: one for things to keep, one for things to donate or sell, and one for trash. Though we agree heartily with these principles in theory, we do find it a bit difficult to adhere to one of Peter's most strenuous arguments -- that your "keep" pile should be very, very small. As in practically nonexistent. So we usually just shuffle things from box to box, which gives us the illusion of having actually accomplished something. Sure, this makes us feel a tiny bit guilty, but this is why we do not have Peter come to the house.
This weekend the Hero and I opened a box of miscellaneous items (there really are no other categories of boxes in our house, just Miscellaneous I, Miscellaneous II, Miscellaneous MCVIIXIIXXLTHZ, etc.). It contained important things like candles, old cards, a stray bookmark.
"What should we do with this stuff?" the Hero asked.
We stared inside the box, as if the contents would magically communicate to us what we should do with them. We felt a strange reluctance to apply our usual strategy of shuffling things around to other boxes, so finally -- after failing to receive any magical instructions -- we just put the lid back on and randomly plunged the box in amongst the other Miscellaneous boxes.
Such an action may not help us achieve our current goal of having a spotless house for guests. But NEXT time, we'll get there. We'll just make sure our guests are taken from a list of Peter's current clients.
*Does not include kids, pets, spouses, in-laws, etc.
**Luckily for them
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