In the event of an earthquake...

As mentioned previously, we recently experienced an earthquake, which annoyingly was not announced ahead of time and therefore caused all manner of mayhem. In our office building in the city, we initially blamed the shaking on the construction crew next door, because we routinely blame everything on the construction crew -- windows rattling, teeth rattling, toilets plugging up, fuel prices rising, memory loss, world regimes falling, memory loss, closure of the space shuttle program, etc.


But it did not take long for us to deduce that, for once, the construction crew was not to blame. 


Experts advise that when an earthquake hits, you should stay INSIDE and crawl under something heavy, like a desk, or a very large stapler. But most of us in the office learned this only after our earthquake, so we all immediately ran OUTSIDE. Plus that is what the floor leaders told us to do, and they are instructed to knock us out with their light sticks if we do not follow their orders.

(The one type of building that is NOT recommended to remain in during an earthquake, according to a neighbor, is an old brick building. "Like...the ones we live in?" I said. "Like the ones we live in," he said.)

Outside, lacking anything heavy under which to crawl, we went across the street and stood looking at our building, while the workers from buildings across the street came over to our side of the street to look at THEIR buildings. This strategy, while doing nothing to increase our safety, nevertheless increased the possibility that if a stronger shock came and ripped open the street, we would have a pretty good excuse not to cross the street again and get back to work.


According to a bulletin sent to us by HR after the earthquake, if you are outside when one hits, you should "move away from tall buildings." This helpful information came from the city of DC, which consists entirely of tall buildings except for the large pool on the Mall, where presumably all of us should gather in the event of an earthquake.


After an earthquake, homeowners should check for possible damage to their home, such as slanting windowsills and doorways. This presents a challenge in a home like ours, where it is perfectly normal for everything to slant:


Me (looking at outside of house, worried): Look up there...do you think the brick above the windowsill is slanting more?


Hero: It's fine. If it's NOT slanting, then we can worry.


But the earthquake is quickly fading from our collective memories, because now there is a new threat bearing down on us. A hurricane is headed our way, and THIS we easterners know how to deal with: Stay away from tall buildings! And big staplers! And if anything happens, blame the construction crew.