Read it and leap

We have returned from our stay at a popular vacation spot in western Maryland, where a good portion of our time was spent signing waiver forms in order to engage in potentially dangerous activities. These potentially dangerous activities included wading through the waiver forms ("Reading this form has been found to cause eyestrain, glaucoma, and, occasionally, old age"). Whatever we did -- boating, horseback riding, roller-coasting down the mountain -- the activities themselves did not take nearly as long as filling out the forms.


It was the kind of place where, if you chose to stay at a bed and breakfast establishment, you might have to agree, in writing, that you fully comprehended that by consuming the Banana Sour Cream Pancakes, triple order of Full-Fat Bacon, and Fourteen-Egg Omelet (including yolks) for breakfast, you could be shortening your lifespan by several years. 


Of course, your lifespan could be even shorter should you be foolish enough to engage in horseback riding. The waiver for this activity was particularly instructive, informing participants that horseback riding is the only sport whereby a puny but strong-willed being ("human") is bent on impressing its will upon a much larger, more powerful being ("horse") that possesses its own agenda ("deposit the human on the ground as soon as possible, preferably in a briar thicket"), which is in direct opposition to the puny human's agenda ("stay away from briar thickets"). The waiver therefore advised that "the safest course is to avoid getting on a horse, or going near one, or even getting within a few hundred miles of one."


There were some activities that we felt should have required waivers, though they did not. One of these was participating in activities solely because you felt that if a nine-year-old could do it, so could you ("We will not be responsible for any ensuing emotional trauma experienced by adults who are too weeny to engage in zip lining, and who KNOW they are too weeny to engage in zip lining, and yet who do so because they do not wish to lose face before a group of fearless, taunting, juvenile zip-liners").


Another activity that should have come with a warning was taking refuge in the hammock provided by our innkeepers...


Warning: Use of this apparatus may be habit-forming. All brain functions may be suspended while under its influence. May cause happiness, even giddiness, and a desire to retire early, like right now, and pursue more peaceful, fulfilling work, such as staying right here.