Wildlife etiquette

When exploring the wilds of western Maryland, where we were recently, it is important to understand and respect the local wildlife. This consists chiefly of black bears and giant mosquitoes. Of the two, the mosquitoes are definitely the more fearsome. Even the black bears are afraid of them.


But you would do well to avoid the bears, too, and know what to do in case you do spot one. To help you, there are signs with helpful suggestions posted everywhere -- at the entrance to state parks, on the backs of doors in public restrooms, in the grocery store, on the ceiling above your bed in the motel room, etc.


If you are hiking, you are advised to let any potential bears know that you are in the vicinity. Theoretically, this will encourage them to stay away from you. Some ways to let bears know that you're around include clapping, talking loudly, and singing. (Bears are particularly frightened by Neil Diamond, so singing "Song Sung Blue" would be helpful.) Alternatively, slapping your arms and legs at regular intervals is effective, and may also help keep the giant mosquitoes at bay, although from personal experience we doubt it. 


As the Hero and I hiked in one of the many state parks in the area, we discussed songs that might be appropriate for the purpose of keeping bears away. The Hero suggested we belt out "If you're scared of bears and you know it, clap your hands," which, by combining singing AND clapping, seemed to us to potentially offer more protection than either action alone.


If, despite all your efforts to warn potential bears of your presence in the area, you STILL run into one, the park service people recommend several steps. One is NOT to start singing the "Hokey Pokey" and waving various limbs around in front of the bear, who would undoubtedly interpret such an action as "moderately hostile." (Singing "Moon River" would be "extremely hostile.")


First, you should positively establish that it IS a bear, because black bears are similar in size to the giant mosquitoes in the area, except they don't have wings. There are different methods for dealing with each type of wildlife. If what you see is definitely a black bear, remain calm. If it is a giant mosquito, there is no remaining calm. (Trust us!)


If you do encounter a bear, remain upright and talk to the bear in a calm, yet assertive voice. Yes. This is what the park service people say to do, although there is no record of any of THEM having tried it.


So, to illustrate, cowering and saying in a wimpy voice, "Please don't eat me, Mr. Bear!" is NOT the proper response. It is better to draw yourself up to your full height and say, in a self-assured manner, "Please don't eat me, Mr. Bear." This will cause the bear to respect you.


At least until he laughs and summons the giant mosquitoes to take care of you.