Are you alive? You may have Alzheimer's

If you've been paying attention, you may have noticed that pretty much everything we inhale, ingest, touch, or think about in our spare time is suspected of causing Alzheimer's. If you HAVEN'T noticed, it may be because...you already have Alzheimer's. Just kidding!


But seriously, according to experts and people who run websites, there are many things that MAY increase your risk of getting the disease and should therefore be avoided: Aerosol hairspray. Stress. Fast food. Processed food. Too much learning. Not enough learning. An overprotective brain. Carpet. GPS units. Even looking in the mirror too often may cause Alzheimer's!*


Personally I can see a case for a GPS indirectly leading to brain dysfunction via stress, at least the way things work in OUR car ("The GPS said to turn right." "I know." "Well, why didn't you turn right?" "It doesn't know what it's talking about." "But it's a satellite!" "I know." "Then why didn't you turn right?" etc.).


Whole classes of foods have been, at various times, implicated in Alzheimer's (meaning "if you even look at these foods you will lose all your brain cells by age 32"). These foods are never things like sauerkraut. Or Spam. Or jellied moose nose. No, the foods that may cause our brain cells to shrivel and die are always things that contain plenty of our favorite ingredients, such as saturated fat. 


Take, for instance, foods known as "quickly digested carbs," such as refined grains, candy, pastries, etc. According to at least one study, eating these foods may increase your chances of getting Alzheimer's. Now, where are the studies that say pastries are GOOD for your brain? That if you eat, oh, 5 or more servings per week, you are almost guaranteed NOT to get Alzheimer's? This suggests a troubling question: Have we in America become so morally conscious that we cannot find ways to bribe the people who carry out these studies??


Apparently so. And, not satisfied with telling us what we shouldn't have, researchers have also come up with some things we should do that can help keep our brain cells healthy. Some involve eating foods that, frankly, would not be considered fit for humans during a famine. 


Other things that are brain-friendly involve "intellectually stimulating activities." (Just so we are clear, picking one's nose is, technically, not an intellectually stimulating activity).


According to some studies, crossword puzzles qualify as intellectually stimulating activities and may therefore lower the chances that you'll get Alzheimer's. (They may also help lower your popularity in social situations if you start taking crossword puzzles a little too seriously: "So, how are your sanguine paroxysm neologisms doing these days?" But this seems a small price to pay.)


But it's not clear if there really IS a benefit from such activities, and we may be doing all those puzzles, and jeopardizing our social status, for nothing. I personally am waiting for the study that shows you do not actually have to DO the crossword puzzles to get the protective benefit from them: "Studies show that you can reduce your chances of getting Alzheimer's by 95% if you own a crossword puzzle book, or subscribe to a newspaper that carries one, and if, on occasion, you pass by and gaze upon the book or newspaper containing the puzzle." I would be willing to fund that study.


In the meantime, be sure to limit your time in front of the mirror.


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*Not really. But if this worried you, it probably means you DO look in the mirror too often.