Our annual pumpkin ritual

Each year in October, to get into the spirit of the fall season, we put out a variety of pumpkins on our patio, arranged in a manner that we hope suggests we have some knowledge of decorating principles. 


We engage in a fairly involved process as we search for the perfect placement that will show off the pumpkins to best advantage. Of course the Hero's opinion is consulted on the ideal situating of the pumpkins, generally in this manner:


"Do you like the pumpkins here?" I'll ask.


"Uh huh," he says.


"Or better over here?"


"Uh huh."


"How about if we sneak into a cemetery in the middle of the night and put them on someone's grave?"


"Uh huh."


The Hero somewhat frowns upon the idea of displaying pumpkins out in the open, believing that this only encourages the local wildlife to practice vandalism. 


Probably this belief has something to do with the fact that every fall I put out the pumpkins, and every fall a certain squirrel, thinking he has died and gone to his own private buffet, does his very best to destroy them. As October progresses into November, the squirrel gets bolder, and the pumpkins start more and more to resemble slasher movie victims. 



"We should just carve a jack-o'-lantern out of it," the Hero says.


"The squirrel pretty much takes care of that for us."



This year the Hero suggested that, if I insist on having the pumpkins, I spray them with something repulsive to the squirrel and other potential marauders.


It might also, I said, be pretty repulsive to find a dead squirrel on the patio, which would probably be the outcome of spraying the pumpkins. Plus we would probably be called up by the homeowner's association, not to mention various groups against cruelty to squirrels and other rodents.


So far this year the squirrel has held off on attacking the pumpkins. No doubt it is waiting to unleash its mischief until I am out of town next week, when the pumpkins will be unguarded. If the squirrel knows what's good for it, it will go about its business quietly, refrain from directing any fierce chattering at the Hero (there is a history of animosity between the two), and, most important, stay out of the way of any spray cans.