Because of the challenging terrain of our neighborhood -- steep hills, sharp bends in the road, narrow streets that, in the wintertime, may have a tough time accommodating two passing chickens -- getting out of the neighborhood in the morning is not unlike playing a video game. Although of course in THIS game the idea is to NOT kill anyone or blow anything up. Despite this, it can be quite a thrilling ride.
The game goes something like this:
Level 1: Is it Tuesday? If so, it is Garbage Pick-up Day, and you must work your car around the garbage truck and several workers who leap onto and off of the truck periodically (such as when you are trying to pass). Although the truck is of normal size when seen on a typical road, on our narrow street it swells to about the size of the larger cruise ships today.
To make things more interesting, the garbage truck freely and without warning moves from one side of the road to the other, so just as you are planning to make your move around it, it will suddenly block your path. Failure to successfully maneuver around the truck will trigger derisive laughter from the men perched on the back. Be aware that, no matter how much you might be tempted to knock them off, you will NOT gain any bonus points by doing so.
You can, however, score bonus points by avoiding the flying garbage cans. The alternative is to risk being crushed by them.
If it is Friday, the same game will be played out with the recycling truck instead.
Level 2: If you successfully negotiate Level 1, you will advance to Level 2. In this level, just as you are about to turn from the parking area onto the street, about 19 racing cyclists will hurtle out of the darkness around the corner toward you, their eerie, piercing blue lights threatening to put out your sight permanently. These cyclists, although fast by two-wheeled standards, are nevertheless, if you are in a car, equivalent to a band of tortoises. You are faced with a difficult choice: Do you follow along behind this band for what will seem like the distance between Oklahoma and Kissimmee, Florida, or pull around them and, because of the limited sight around the curves, risk running into something solid, like the back of the garbage truck? Very advanced players may choose a third alternative: avoid the cyclists altogether by ascending the Hill of Death (see Level 3).
Level 3: In Level 3, you (after signing various waiver forms and making sure your will is up to date) drive up an extremely steep street that SAYS it is two-way, but which was originally intended as a sidewalk, on which it was expected that only one person at a time, on foot, would traverse (sideways). On one side of the street, sitting pretty much in the street itself, are several houses; on the other side is a steep drop-off. If you meet a car coming from the opposite direction, the only way to pass is for one of you to drive off the cliff. The object is to not be this car.
Level 4: If you manage to stay on the track through the first three levels, you will then find your route blocked by a large meat-delivery truck trying to back up to an opening at the meat store. Because the space is tight, the truck will have to back up, pull forward into the street, back up, pull forward, back up, pull -- where was I? -- oh, yes, this can go on for quite some time, so you may be tempted to go around the truck. Theoretically this is possible, as there will be a small space between the truck and the shoulder on the opposite side of the road, but here you face two potential dangers: Being crushed by the truck as it is in the "pull out into the street" phase, or meeting head-on another car coming from the opposite direction. The results could disqualify you from the game, which would be seriously annoying.
At any time during this game, white-tailed deer may randomly run out from the trees onto the road in front of you. If you hit one, you could incur heavy penalties and be forced to spend time in the pit stop while your car is repaired. This could put you severely behind in your commute (like a week or two).
The game is timed, so you must do all this within the allotted time OR risk missing your commuter train, which launches you into a whole new video game (one which we, thankfully, have not yet played).
Also to increase the challenge in this game, you can play it IN THE DARK, which by default occurs from approximately mid-August to mid-April. So, most of the year.
If you make it past Level 4 and avoid all the deer, AND finish on time, congratulations! You may proceed to work.
(Occasionally there is an initial hurdle set up by the Hero, whose arm acts as a gate across me while in bed, pinning me in place as I am about to get up. The other morning he muttered something about how this keeps me from getting into trouble. I'm not sure what mischief I could be causing when the first number on the clock is still a 4 when I get up, but apparently it is enough of a concern to activate the Hero Arm Guard.)
2 comments:
Your game eerily and accurately describes driving in our neighborhood. I have two suggestions for more levels:
Level 3a: When encountering another vehicle while driving up the Hill of Death, you lose the glaring contest with the other driver and must BACK down the Hill in the dark negotiating the hairpin curves and accelerating fast enough so that they cannot keep bumping your car with theirs.
Level 5: A weekday morning? Here comes the large yellow schoolbus hurtling down the road in your direction in both lanes. Your choice is to move off the road and into the stone wall, or move off the road and be pinned against the bridge railing. Choose carefully as points will be deducted if you damage the paint job on your car.
Bravo! You have obviously earned your way to the top in this game.
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