Recently there was a robbery not far from our house, which made the Hero and I consider two very important questions: One, if someone were to break into OUR house, what would they most likely take, and two, how could we get them to take all the other stuff that they would most likely not take, and that frankly even WE don't want?
We imagined a scenario in which thieves came to our house, while we were at home, looking for valuables:
Thieves (in a threatening manner): Give us all your valuables.
Us: Uh, sure...we heard you might be coming, so we got together a few things.
Thieves (looking over the collection of items in several bags): Hey, not bad...some electronics...hey, what's with all these books in here?
Us: Well, we took the liberty of adding a few other things we thought you might be interested in...
Thieves: We don't want no books.
Hero: Well, this math book here is pretty valuable.
Thieves: It is?
Hero (excitedly): Sure. It describes the theory of chaos.
Thieves: Nah. We don't want nothing like that.
Hero: Look, I'll even throw in this one -- now THIS one you'll like. It's about Fermat's theorem, see, and this guy says that...
Thieves (backing away from the bag): Uh, what else ya got around here?
Us: (pointing to an object of indeterminate function and form) Well, you'd really be helping us out if you took this.
Thieves (dubiously): What is it?
Us (in a shocked tone): You don't KNOW?
Thieves: Nope.
Us: Neither do we. It might have been a chair once. But HERE'S a fantastic kitchen island. It falls apart every time you try to open the drawer, and it's kind of big, but...we'll help you load it into your truck. No trouble at all! And we'll throw in our old paint cans, too. All 26 of them! There might even be some paint left in them...Oh -- and how about this old wooden ladder? It's kinda got some mold on it, but that should come off pretty easy. Now here's a bag of shells we picked up from the beach last summer -- whoo! Didn't realize how much they smelled like the sea! And what about --
Thieves (run away screaming, leaving their truck and our valuables behind)
Us: Rats. NOW what do we do with all this stuff?
Thieves (at police station, huffing and panting): We want to -- to turn ourselves in.
Cops: Huh?
Thieves: We're begging you. PLEASE take us into custody. We can't take these people anymore.
Cops: What people?
Us (entering station): THERE you guys are! You forgot your stuff!
Thieves: Aaaaggggghhh! Quick! Throw us in the slammer!
Cops: Uh, mind telling us what's going on here?
Us: Well, these two guys tried to rob our home --
Cops: They did, huh?
Us: Yes, but they weren't very cooperative about it. Some people just don't appreciate what you try to do for them.
Cops: Huh?
Us: They wouldn't take all our stuff. Here, maybe YOU would like some mathematics books...? No? Here's some cookbooks that are a little worn...every other page or so missing...Or how about a slightly used plunger?
Cops (run away screaming)
After this, we would quietly leave our bags of belongings in the station, make our way home, and when the next shift of police came to the house to return our stuff, we would deny that it was ours. "What, that old thing? Never saw it before. We're not bringing THAT in our house."
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