Kindergarten roundup

The Princess remains in somewhat of a stupor from several work meetings and celebrations that occurred this week. The meetings themselves were nothing out of the ordinary, but as they were variously accompanied by 1) pizza or 2) ice cream with several toppings or 3) deli sandwiches and homemade cookies, participants tended to walk around in zombie-like states for some time afterward. The Princess, while thoroughly enjoying all of the free food, does feel that it might have been better not to yield to greediness where the ice cream toppings were concerned.

Once again we are on the brink of a new school year, and we can think of no better way to mark the occasion than to be fervently thankful that we personally are not in school anymore. But, lest we become complacent and lose sympathy for those who are not so lucky, today we bring you the reminiscences and advice of two kindergarten experts.

The first is a young yet worldly wise Female Relative who successfully completed her kindergarten tour of duty in June. The second is the Hero, who, although his kindergarten career ended some Junes past, nevertheless retains vivid memories of that time. His most vivid memory is that he was given no choice in the matter of attending kindergarten and was forced to attend strictly against his will. The fact that he liked his teacher does not, in his mind, absolve his family, the school principal, the parish, the school board, and anyone else peripherally involved of depriving him of his youth and freedom.

The Female Relative, when asked about her kindergarten experience, summed it up this way: "It was okay, but the teacher told me a lot of things I already know."

Unfortunately for her, kindergarten students do not get to rate their teachers or their overall kindergarten experience at the end of the year, as college students do. If they did, however, teachers might get a lot of comments like these:

"We wrk to much. Plying is betr."

"I lk tchr. She smels prty. But she lafs to lowd."

"Tchr help us lrn to cnt good: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, uh, 14, 13, 20-17, uh, 1, 2, 3..."

Whereas the Female Relative, being quite advanced, might say something like this:

"Really, you should cut out Exploration Time. It's really just play time anyway. Our time might be better spent reading; perhaps you could introduce us to some of the classics. Who wouldn't benefit from an in-depth study of Jane Eyre?"

The Hero's recollections of this time in his life reflect his belief that his growth as a creative person was likely stunted, rather than enhanced, by his kindergarten experience. He describes the transition into kindergarten in this manner:

"One day, you're running around outside capturing Indians, or kicking a ball up into a tree and having it come down on your head, or eating Popsicles and dripping all over the sidewalk, or burying your dinosaurs in the backyard and having your dad get mad at you for digging up the grass, and then--the next day, you're plunked in this little room and you have to sit and be quiet and raise your hand when you want to talk, and the teacher keeps asking how many of the circles she is holding up are yellow and how many are red and you have NO idea. And your mom makes you wear clothes that MATCH."

It is a testament to his inner resources that he has not had to seek counseling for the trauma inflicted on him during this time. No doubt thousands of others have not been so lucky.

So as we head into a new school year, the Hero -- now with the perception and wisdom of adulthood -- has some advice for energetic youngsters who, like himself, find themselves facing what may seem like long-term imprisonment: "Run."