In our workplace we all share equally in public service, such as running the dishwasher, providing milk for the week, killing large scary bugs, goofing off, etc. We take our civic duties seriously.
Well, some do. Others seem to believe, despite all efforts to tell them otherwise, in the existence of the Kitchen Genie. The Kitchen Genie, they believe, cheerfully handles all of their disgustingly dirty dishes, which they deposit in the sink, and magically transforms them into sparkling clean ones, which are put away in the cupboard for their use the next day.
This week it is my turn for civic duty in the kitchen. Knowing how strongly some of my co-workers hold to their belief in the Kitchen Genie, I have made it my mission to gently, but firmly, help them come to grips with reality. I have therefore sent a series of e-mails, reproduced below, to everyone this week to remind them of the necessary part they play in keeping the kitchen tidy, and that the Kitchen Genie is, sadly, but a myth.
Day 1
Subject: Dishes
Attention, all dirty dishes!
Please make your way to the dishwasher, where the sound and water show will begin at approximately 4:28 p.m. Please note that this show takes place only in the DISHWASHER, not in the SINK, so please make arrangements for your own transportation to the dishwasher.
Day 2
Subject: Dishes, reprise
To all dirty dishes,
Thank you for last night's orderly progression to the dishwasher. Tonight's show will commence in a half hour. Please remember that you must be securely fastened inside the dishwasher before the show begins. Thank you.
Day 3
Subject: Dishes
Please be considerate and put your dishes inside the dishwasher. There is no magic kitchen genie to do this for you, only a kitchen witch to remind you to do it.
As the truth about the Kitchen Genie finally began to be revealed and accepted, gradually all the dishes in the sink disappeared, until at the end of Day 3 only a lone spoon remained. But should there be any relapses, or hard-core cases of refusal to part with belief in the Kitchen Genie, I am armed with appropriate warning messages.
Day 4
Subject: A public service announcement from the Kitchen Witch
Due to an increase in dirty dishes in the sink, we have been forced to take drastic measures. A tiny camera has been installed in the kitchen to record any offenders who are not properly placing their dishes in the dishwasher. If you are caught, you will be fined a day of heavy scrubbing in the kitchen. Be advised: Big Brother is watching (and so is the Kitchen Witch).
Day 5
Subject: You know what the subject is
Whoever disabled the kitchen camera, please be aware that you will not escape punishment, as soon as we figure out who you are. This regrettable incident has forced us to take even more drastic measures. Starting Monday, all kitchen items will be stored in the Kitchen Witch's cube. Employees who wish to use one of these items must come to this cube and check out each item. By signing, borrowers promise that they will, upon discontinuation of the borrowed item, properly deposit it in the dishwasher for cleaning.
In the event that this oath is broken, the Kitchen Witch will personally administer to the offending party the Oath of Disbelief in the Kitchen Genie, and the offending party will be forced to perform, in public, the Chant of the Dishwasher. The party will also be enrolled in a reform class called "Dirty Dishes: Do They Magically Transport Themselves to the Dishwasher?"
We trust that such measures, however, will not be necessary. Have a pleasant day, and remember: the Kitchen Witch is watching.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Random car noises
Joe and I are no strangers to random noise-making behavior exhibited by cars. Joe's car, for instance, vigorously protests being left out in the rain by emitting loud, insistent honks during downpours, usually at a convenient time such as 2 a.m. But even this experience did not prepare us for the noises that accompanied our recent brief driving episode in a luxury car.
As noted in the previous blog post, the driver's door on my brother and sister-in-law's car does not lock -- or if it does, we certainly never figured out how. There is, however, an alarm on the car, which we discovered by accident when we were trying to coax the door to lock. Suddenly we were announcing to an entire parking lot of people that a) we had no idea how to work this car and b) we may have been breaking into it.
In desperation I pushed the lock button on the remote, and the alarm instantly stopped. I opened the car door again to see if it was locked, the alarm went off, and I pushed the lock button again. The alarm stopped. This instantaneous result gave me such a heady feeling of power -- I have watched numerous strangers in parking lots frantically trying to convince their cars to stop beeping and honking, to no avail -- that I kept deliberately setting off the alarm just so I could experience this heady feeling of power over and over again.
Eventually we stopped playing with the alarm and drove off. Halfway to our destination, we were startled by yet another loud noise: the radar detector. My brother's usual response to this intrusion is to push something to make the loud, insistent beeps stop. But without him I dared not touch anything, lest it not work when next he or my sister-in-law drove the car. So we drove on, ignoring the fact that we could not hear each other talk, the radar detector frantically beeping whenever we approached a suspicious vehicle, like a garbage truck.
We were of the opinion that what would be much more helpful than a radar detector would be to have a Starbucks detector. As we were unfamiliar with the location of Starbucks in the area where we were driving, this would have been very useful. Such a device would automatically detect any Starbucks within 50 miles and change the car's course to get to the nearest one. When the car approached a Starbucks it would emit something like "Whoo-EEE! Whoo-EEE! Approaching a Starbucks institution on the left, 50 yards." The alarm would get louder and more insistent the closer you got, and when the car came to the driveway of Starbucks, it would, independent of the driver, make a sharp turn into the parking lot, and neatly deposit all passengers right in front of the door.
Of course certain details would have to be worked out before such a device could be implemented. Like which sound would take precedence when the car alarm, radar detector, and Starbucks detector are all going off at the same time. I know which one has my vote.
As noted in the previous blog post, the driver's door on my brother and sister-in-law's car does not lock -- or if it does, we certainly never figured out how. There is, however, an alarm on the car, which we discovered by accident when we were trying to coax the door to lock. Suddenly we were announcing to an entire parking lot of people that a) we had no idea how to work this car and b) we may have been breaking into it.
In desperation I pushed the lock button on the remote, and the alarm instantly stopped. I opened the car door again to see if it was locked, the alarm went off, and I pushed the lock button again. The alarm stopped. This instantaneous result gave me such a heady feeling of power -- I have watched numerous strangers in parking lots frantically trying to convince their cars to stop beeping and honking, to no avail -- that I kept deliberately setting off the alarm just so I could experience this heady feeling of power over and over again.
Eventually we stopped playing with the alarm and drove off. Halfway to our destination, we were startled by yet another loud noise: the radar detector. My brother's usual response to this intrusion is to push something to make the loud, insistent beeps stop. But without him I dared not touch anything, lest it not work when next he or my sister-in-law drove the car. So we drove on, ignoring the fact that we could not hear each other talk, the radar detector frantically beeping whenever we approached a suspicious vehicle, like a garbage truck.
We were of the opinion that what would be much more helpful than a radar detector would be to have a Starbucks detector. As we were unfamiliar with the location of Starbucks in the area where we were driving, this would have been very useful. Such a device would automatically detect any Starbucks within 50 miles and change the car's course to get to the nearest one. When the car approached a Starbucks it would emit something like "Whoo-EEE! Whoo-EEE! Approaching a Starbucks institution on the left, 50 yards." The alarm would get louder and more insistent the closer you got, and when the car came to the driveway of Starbucks, it would, independent of the driver, make a sharp turn into the parking lot, and neatly deposit all passengers right in front of the door.
Of course certain details would have to be worked out before such a device could be implemented. Like which sound would take precedence when the car alarm, radar detector, and Starbucks detector are all going off at the same time. I know which one has my vote.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Why we don't drive expensive cars
My brother and his wife were kind enough to loan us the use of their luxury car during our visit this weekend, not even mentioning that they probably took out extra insurance on it. Being the designated driver, I tried to convince myself that it was like any other car I had ever driven, just a couple hundred grand more.
But it is not like any other car. First off, the ignition is on the left side of the steering wheel. Either some left-handed engineer, tired of having to fight his way through a right-handed world, wreaked his revenge on the rest us, or the car was originally intended for the British market and everything was placed on the right side of the car, but at the last minute everything was changed back to the left side of the car, and someone forgot to move the ignition to the right side of the steering wheel.
This car was also designed for multiple body parts to work together. To get the car to start you must, at the moment you are turning the key, also press the brake. Fortunately the brake is where one would expect the brake to be, and not somewhere else, such as in the glove compartment.
Your next hurdle comes upon disembarking from the car. You must lock the car so that it stays locked until such time as you are ready to unlock it. This is not an easy task with this car. When you press the lock on the remote -- which, incidentally, is the same button as the unlock -- the car, with unfailing politeness, senses that you are still near the car and will immediately unlock itself, in case you decide you want to enter again. And so you become engaged in a battle of lock-unlock-lock-unlock, as you vie to see which of you can be the fastest to lock or unlock the door.
The car always wins.
You may try an assortment of solutions for this, which we did, including moving away from the car in six-inch increments to see if distance has any effect on the doors remaining locked. You could try manually locking the doors, IF you can find a button to manually lock them. We could not, although we did not look in the glove compartment.
But all you are really doing when you try these solutions is sending out an advertisement to would-be thieves who might happen to be observing your efforts: DRIVER HAS NO IDEA HOW TO LOCK THE CAR. HELP YOURSELF TO ANYTHING INSIDE AFTER SHE LEAVES.
The best way to get the car to stay locked, evidently, is to lock the car with the remote and immediately hurl the remote as far away as possible, preferably to a trusted passenger standing several miles away. In the event that you are alone, an open field will do for the toss, unless an untrustworthy personage is lurking there.
This is obviously WAY superior to the way the rest of us lock our car, which is: We lock the car.
We never did get the driver's side to stay locked, and we finally settled for setting the alarm, so that if any unauthorized person DID happen to open the door an alarm would immediately sound. With any luck, the car would also immediately lock itself again, hopefully with the unauthorized person inside.
But it is not like any other car. First off, the ignition is on the left side of the steering wheel. Either some left-handed engineer, tired of having to fight his way through a right-handed world, wreaked his revenge on the rest us, or the car was originally intended for the British market and everything was placed on the right side of the car, but at the last minute everything was changed back to the left side of the car, and someone forgot to move the ignition to the right side of the steering wheel.
This car was also designed for multiple body parts to work together. To get the car to start you must, at the moment you are turning the key, also press the brake. Fortunately the brake is where one would expect the brake to be, and not somewhere else, such as in the glove compartment.
Your next hurdle comes upon disembarking from the car. You must lock the car so that it stays locked until such time as you are ready to unlock it. This is not an easy task with this car. When you press the lock on the remote -- which, incidentally, is the same button as the unlock -- the car, with unfailing politeness, senses that you are still near the car and will immediately unlock itself, in case you decide you want to enter again. And so you become engaged in a battle of lock-unlock-lock-unlock, as you vie to see which of you can be the fastest to lock or unlock the door.
The car always wins.
You may try an assortment of solutions for this, which we did, including moving away from the car in six-inch increments to see if distance has any effect on the doors remaining locked. You could try manually locking the doors, IF you can find a button to manually lock them. We could not, although we did not look in the glove compartment.
But all you are really doing when you try these solutions is sending out an advertisement to would-be thieves who might happen to be observing your efforts: DRIVER HAS NO IDEA HOW TO LOCK THE CAR. HELP YOURSELF TO ANYTHING INSIDE AFTER SHE LEAVES.
The best way to get the car to stay locked, evidently, is to lock the car with the remote and immediately hurl the remote as far away as possible, preferably to a trusted passenger standing several miles away. In the event that you are alone, an open field will do for the toss, unless an untrustworthy personage is lurking there.
This is obviously WAY superior to the way the rest of us lock our car, which is: We lock the car.
We never did get the driver's side to stay locked, and we finally settled for setting the alarm, so that if any unauthorized person DID happen to open the door an alarm would immediately sound. With any luck, the car would also immediately lock itself again, hopefully with the unauthorized person inside.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
All hail the changing of the pizza
On our trip to Washington DC with family members we visited Arlington National Cemetery, which is the hallowed resting place of thousands of servicemen and women, but which, tragically, has no eating facilities. We do not suggest that you attempt to create your own eating facilities on the grounds, as there is a pretty stiff fine for this sort of thing, consisting of your being pressed into service as a gift shop volunteer in the visitor's center.
While visiting the cemetery you can see the Tomb of the Unknowns, as it is officially called, and observe the changing of the guard, which consists of three soldiers strutting up and down in front of the tombs. This is a very moving ceremony that invariably impresses visitors, particularly the way the guards move their legs, which appear to be made completely of rubber. The main guard also does a lot of barking, by which he is able to disguise the fact that he is actually yelling to some other, hidden guard, "Hey, we're starving here! Get us an extra-large meat lover's pizza, pronto!"
The main guard also performs a white-glove inspection of the relief soldier's gun, a ritual reminiscent of the days when mother-in-laws would terrorize their daughter-in-laws by conducting a similar inspection of their fireplace mantles. No one really knows the reason for the soldiers doing this, because a dust-free fireplace mantle is WAY more important than a dust-free gun, but it is likely that at some point it was decided that tourists needed something more exciting to watch than the guards walking up and down on their rubbery legs.
If the relief guard's gun passes inspection -- and chances are that it will, although by military law 3.5% of all inspections MUST uncover some infraction, for which the offending soldier is banished to the gift shop in the visitor's center as a volunteer -- he replaces the first guard and commences walking up and down in front of the tombs. He maintains this ritual until he is relieved by another guard, or until his pizza arrives, whichever comes first.
Meanwhile, the soldier who has gone off duty assumes the important responsibility of guarding the restrooms, which, to many Americans, are only a slightly less sacred site than the Tomb of the Unknowns. This guard stands ready to protect and defend our constitutional right to free, ample toilet paper (a right not afforded in all countries) and to prevent stampedes among schoolchildren who did not heed their teacher's instruction to go at the last stop.
Of course there are many other sights to see at Arlington, which I am sure you will enjoy if you visit. And there is always the gift shop.
While visiting the cemetery you can see the Tomb of the Unknowns, as it is officially called, and observe the changing of the guard, which consists of three soldiers strutting up and down in front of the tombs. This is a very moving ceremony that invariably impresses visitors, particularly the way the guards move their legs, which appear to be made completely of rubber. The main guard also does a lot of barking, by which he is able to disguise the fact that he is actually yelling to some other, hidden guard, "Hey, we're starving here! Get us an extra-large meat lover's pizza, pronto!"
The main guard also performs a white-glove inspection of the relief soldier's gun, a ritual reminiscent of the days when mother-in-laws would terrorize their daughter-in-laws by conducting a similar inspection of their fireplace mantles. No one really knows the reason for the soldiers doing this, because a dust-free fireplace mantle is WAY more important than a dust-free gun, but it is likely that at some point it was decided that tourists needed something more exciting to watch than the guards walking up and down on their rubbery legs.
If the relief guard's gun passes inspection -- and chances are that it will, although by military law 3.5% of all inspections MUST uncover some infraction, for which the offending soldier is banished to the gift shop in the visitor's center as a volunteer -- he replaces the first guard and commences walking up and down in front of the tombs. He maintains this ritual until he is relieved by another guard, or until his pizza arrives, whichever comes first.
Meanwhile, the soldier who has gone off duty assumes the important responsibility of guarding the restrooms, which, to many Americans, are only a slightly less sacred site than the Tomb of the Unknowns. This guard stands ready to protect and defend our constitutional right to free, ample toilet paper (a right not afforded in all countries) and to prevent stampedes among schoolchildren who did not heed their teacher's instruction to go at the last stop.
Of course there are many other sights to see at Arlington, which I am sure you will enjoy if you visit. And there is always the gift shop.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Taking DC by storm (or bus)
This week we have ventured into Washington DC with visiting family members in tow, who are eager to see our nation's capital, the area where we live, our favorite grocery store, all 5,782 local Starbucks, etc. As is generally true whenever Joe and I travel by car -- surrounded by maps and printouts of Google directions -- we have seen many areas we had never seen before, and had not intended to see. This is why we so far have resisted the urge to get a GPS, knowing that it would deliver us directly to our destination, and we would miss the wonderful opportunity of seeing new vistas, mostly consisting of numerous buildings with shot-out windows. Our passengers have been truly amazed at our ability to sniff out areas that could, potentially, end up in the news on any given evening ("Confused tourists, terrified at finding themselves in the midst of gunfire, are soon relieved to find out that they have wandered onto the set of gritty new movie and are hired as extras. 'We were just trying to find the Washington Monument,' says one").
But of course we are not crazy enough to actually drive around in DC for very long, preferring to leave that task to the professionals, who ARE crazy enough to do it, for an exorbitant fee. The particular bus line we chose for our tour has a unique system for ensuring the safety of its passengers while still allowing them full viewing access to all the sights. After you get on, they pull these bars down over the side of the bus, so that you are pretty much in a cage. This has the effect of making you feel as if you are in some sort of moving playpen, and it is very difficult to comply with all the signs admonishing you to "at no time put any part of your person outside the cage."
The narrators on these buses are very helpful. They wait until you get ON the bus -- which in our case took several minutes while we folded, hoisted, and stowed a rented wheelchair -- and are comfortably settled to tell you that the bus is not going where you want to go, and then they wait until you get OFF -- unfolding, unhoisting, and unstowing the wheelchair -- to tell you that, although it is still true that the bus is not going where you want to go, the bus CAN take you to where another bus can take you where you want to go. By the time you and your guests -- and the wheelchair -- have boarded for the second time, the other passengers are desperately wishing they had taken a different bus, or even visited a different city that day, such as Honolulu.
We later learned that our narrator had violated the Code of Narration Ethics, which states that tour narrators may not reveal to tourists that there is another bus coming, because should the tourists happen to miss that bus, and should it happen to be the very LAST bus for the day, everyone would be in very big trouble. So although the last bus runs at approximately 5:30, narrators are instructed to tell their riders that service ends at 1:00, thereby prompting a panicked rush for a bus at that time.
As it happened we did NOT miss the very last bus, which is lucky, because we would still be wandering about in DC looking for our car, and you would not be reading this right now. We did, however, wander about once we were IN our car, preferring to take what my father has always called the scenic route, which fortunately for us did not involve any areas that ended up on the evening news.
But there is always tomorrow.
But of course we are not crazy enough to actually drive around in DC for very long, preferring to leave that task to the professionals, who ARE crazy enough to do it, for an exorbitant fee. The particular bus line we chose for our tour has a unique system for ensuring the safety of its passengers while still allowing them full viewing access to all the sights. After you get on, they pull these bars down over the side of the bus, so that you are pretty much in a cage. This has the effect of making you feel as if you are in some sort of moving playpen, and it is very difficult to comply with all the signs admonishing you to "at no time put any part of your person outside the cage."
The narrators on these buses are very helpful. They wait until you get ON the bus -- which in our case took several minutes while we folded, hoisted, and stowed a rented wheelchair -- and are comfortably settled to tell you that the bus is not going where you want to go, and then they wait until you get OFF -- unfolding, unhoisting, and unstowing the wheelchair -- to tell you that, although it is still true that the bus is not going where you want to go, the bus CAN take you to where another bus can take you where you want to go. By the time you and your guests -- and the wheelchair -- have boarded for the second time, the other passengers are desperately wishing they had taken a different bus, or even visited a different city that day, such as Honolulu.
We later learned that our narrator had violated the Code of Narration Ethics, which states that tour narrators may not reveal to tourists that there is another bus coming, because should the tourists happen to miss that bus, and should it happen to be the very LAST bus for the day, everyone would be in very big trouble. So although the last bus runs at approximately 5:30, narrators are instructed to tell their riders that service ends at 1:00, thereby prompting a panicked rush for a bus at that time.
As it happened we did NOT miss the very last bus, which is lucky, because we would still be wandering about in DC looking for our car, and you would not be reading this right now. We did, however, wander about once we were IN our car, preferring to take what my father has always called the scenic route, which fortunately for us did not involve any areas that ended up on the evening news.
But there is always tomorrow.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Birthdays 'R Us
As you know, we are very busy at work. After much analysis of projects, goals, objectives, etc., it has been found that one thing that seems to take up an INORDINATE amount of our time is dealing with those pesky little issues like, well, pretty much anything work-related.
This leaves us with very little time for more important things, like celebrating staff birthdays. We have a strong Birthday Radar at work, and no one's special day escapes notice, although sometimes the radar malfunctions and does not go off until the last possible minute. This sets off a flurry of e-mails and trips to the store for cards, cake, ice cream, party hats, party whistles, etc., all conducted in the utmost secrecy, while the birthday person affects an air of inattention and pretends not to remember that he or she is having a birthday. We have so many birthday celebrations that I suspect we celebrate some people's twice a year instead of once, but this is not a big concern to us, so long as we get cake.
To expedite things, I propose that we standardize the birthday proceedings in some manner, perhaps by giving the honoree a survey on which to make his or her birthday preferences known. A sample of such a survey follows.
Birthday Preferences Survey
(If you believe that you have received this survey in error, please pass it to the next available staff person who is not in denial about having another birthday.)
1. I do/do not wish to have a public work celebration of my birthday. (Please circle one. If "do not wish" is circled, be aware that the staff may vote to have cake anyway, with or without you.)
2. For my birthday I would like to:
a) be treated to lunch
b) have cake with 3 inches of frosting
c) receive an all-expenses paid trip to Bora-Bora
3. For lunch I would like to go to:
a) Chili's
b) McDonald's inside Wal-Mart (preferably during a sale)
c) Cold Stone Creamery (Please note that this option does NOT exclude having a cake later in the day.)
4. I would like to invite the following people to my birthday lunch:
a) the editors
b) the editors and people who work with the editors
c) Brad Pitt
5. I wish/do not wish to have cake and have people sing to me and generally be the center of attention. (Please circle one. If "do not wish" is circled, please skip the next question.)
6. I wish to be the center of attention for the following length of time:
a) however long it takes to sing "Happy Birthday"
b) just long enough to get my piece of cake
c) the duration of my natural life
7. I would like my cake to have:
a) buttercream frosting
b) lots of buttercream frosting
c) skip the cake, just give me the buttercream frosting
8. I do/do not wish (please circle one) to have it spread throughout the entire office community that I am turning 30/40/50/87 (do NOT circle one) (unless you want us to tell everyone how old you are).
9. I would like to receive the following type of birthday card:
a) a nice sappy one that tells me how much I am appreciated
b) one with money in it
c) one that depicts me in a wheelchair, with none of my teeth left, and producing certain bodily noises
Such an instrument would no doubt help expedite the planning process, although of course this may leave us with extra time, which our bosses would probably expect us to fill in with work. We may have to start celebrating everyone's birthday three times a year.
This leaves us with very little time for more important things, like celebrating staff birthdays. We have a strong Birthday Radar at work, and no one's special day escapes notice, although sometimes the radar malfunctions and does not go off until the last possible minute. This sets off a flurry of e-mails and trips to the store for cards, cake, ice cream, party hats, party whistles, etc., all conducted in the utmost secrecy, while the birthday person affects an air of inattention and pretends not to remember that he or she is having a birthday. We have so many birthday celebrations that I suspect we celebrate some people's twice a year instead of once, but this is not a big concern to us, so long as we get cake.
To expedite things, I propose that we standardize the birthday proceedings in some manner, perhaps by giving the honoree a survey on which to make his or her birthday preferences known. A sample of such a survey follows.
Birthday Preferences Survey
(If you believe that you have received this survey in error, please pass it to the next available staff person who is not in denial about having another birthday.)
1. I do/do not wish to have a public work celebration of my birthday. (Please circle one. If "do not wish" is circled, be aware that the staff may vote to have cake anyway, with or without you.)
2. For my birthday I would like to:
a) be treated to lunch
b) have cake with 3 inches of frosting
c) receive an all-expenses paid trip to Bora-Bora
3. For lunch I would like to go to:
a) Chili's
b) McDonald's inside Wal-Mart (preferably during a sale)
c) Cold Stone Creamery (Please note that this option does NOT exclude having a cake later in the day.)
4. I would like to invite the following people to my birthday lunch:
a) the editors
b) the editors and people who work with the editors
c) Brad Pitt
5. I wish/do not wish to have cake and have people sing to me and generally be the center of attention. (Please circle one. If "do not wish" is circled, please skip the next question.)
6. I wish to be the center of attention for the following length of time:
a) however long it takes to sing "Happy Birthday"
b) just long enough to get my piece of cake
c) the duration of my natural life
7. I would like my cake to have:
a) buttercream frosting
b) lots of buttercream frosting
c) skip the cake, just give me the buttercream frosting
8. I do/do not wish (please circle one) to have it spread throughout the entire office community that I am turning 30/40/50/87 (do NOT circle one) (unless you want us to tell everyone how old you are).
9. I would like to receive the following type of birthday card:
a) a nice sappy one that tells me how much I am appreciated
b) one with money in it
c) one that depicts me in a wheelchair, with none of my teeth left, and producing certain bodily noises
Such an instrument would no doubt help expedite the planning process, although of course this may leave us with extra time, which our bosses would probably expect us to fill in with work. We may have to start celebrating everyone's birthday three times a year.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Coming to America
I have come across a Web site offering invaluable cultural advice to those from another country who are coming to the U.S. for the first time. Amazingly, this advice does NOT include "Don't go! Americans are crazy! Run for your life!" Presumably the writers are resigned that, in many cases, coming to America is a necessary evil, and the best they can do for their fellow countrymen is to ease the trauma a little by offering cultural insights and no-nos. The advice given also offers some amusement for American readers, particularly American readers who are perusing the Internet instead of doing their work, which pretty much describes my own situation when I came across this site. Below are a few excerpts of the advice offered to newcomers.
Driving
Newcomers are advised to avoid honking the car horn "unless required." Or unless (this part was omitted from the site; possibly it is unknown to the writers) you are American, in which case NOT using the horn while driving is considered unconstitutional.
Drivers are reminded that, if nature calls while they are on the road, they are expected to get off the road, via the nearest exit, and proceed to the nearest public restroom (keeping in mind that this may be at a McDonald's or similar establishment). They should NOT merely walk down the highway in search of a suitable nature-y place to do nature's business.
There is a sobering admonishment to remain in one's car should one be pulled over by a police officer, and to never step out of the car. The officer may consider this an offense, and may respond by "shooting the driver for self-defense." This piece of advice is signed by a particular individual, as if the individual has had some experience with this offense.
There should be no throwing of paper or other objects out of one's window while driving, or one "may be fined heavily." Unless one is my mother, who many years ago allowed my beloved security blanket to fly out the window on a family car trip and told my father to keep driving, as I was too old to have a blanket anymore anyway. Fortunately an alert police officer, no doubt on litter patrol, spotted a large flowing object escaping from our car and retrieved it for us. When he stopped our car I expected at least that my mother would be taken to jail, not so much for littering as for causing immense Emotional Trauma to Offspring, but the officer did NOTHING. But throw a little piece of paper out your car window, and whoo! The SWAT team may be called in.
I harbor no bitterness over this incident, as you can see.
Dining
Vegetarians are encouraged that most eating establishments are able to accommodate their needs, once these needs are known. But one must be careful to order a meal using the phrase "no meat," and ONLY that phrase, as servers do not understand "meatless" or "without meat" or "Were any animals harmed in the making of this meal??" Likewise, if one wishes no ice in one's drink, one should say "no ice" rather than "without ice." One wonders what kind of server does not understand these phrases.
Diners are warned that in American restaurants they will not receive a "finger bowl" and that a paper napkin should be used. Although it is not stated, there is a definite suggestion that this is proof that Americans are unclean.
Communication
Those who are talking "at work or elsewhere" are advised that if "you want to say yes, just say yes. Moving the head side to side in such a situation is seen as confusing, and generally taken to mean no." Ah, how confusing Americans can be!
Miscellaneous
There are numerous rules for avoiding misunderstanding, including:
In America, a "fag" does NOT refer to smoking as it does in Britain.
"There is no Eve Teasing in the U.S. It is called 'sexual harassment."
And finally, never, ever ask for a "rubber" when one wishes for an eraser.
Driving
Newcomers are advised to avoid honking the car horn "unless required." Or unless (this part was omitted from the site; possibly it is unknown to the writers) you are American, in which case NOT using the horn while driving is considered unconstitutional.
Drivers are reminded that, if nature calls while they are on the road, they are expected to get off the road, via the nearest exit, and proceed to the nearest public restroom (keeping in mind that this may be at a McDonald's or similar establishment). They should NOT merely walk down the highway in search of a suitable nature-y place to do nature's business.
There is a sobering admonishment to remain in one's car should one be pulled over by a police officer, and to never step out of the car. The officer may consider this an offense, and may respond by "shooting the driver for self-defense." This piece of advice is signed by a particular individual, as if the individual has had some experience with this offense.
There should be no throwing of paper or other objects out of one's window while driving, or one "may be fined heavily." Unless one is my mother, who many years ago allowed my beloved security blanket to fly out the window on a family car trip and told my father to keep driving, as I was too old to have a blanket anymore anyway. Fortunately an alert police officer, no doubt on litter patrol, spotted a large flowing object escaping from our car and retrieved it for us. When he stopped our car I expected at least that my mother would be taken to jail, not so much for littering as for causing immense Emotional Trauma to Offspring, but the officer did NOTHING. But throw a little piece of paper out your car window, and whoo! The SWAT team may be called in.
I harbor no bitterness over this incident, as you can see.
Dining
Vegetarians are encouraged that most eating establishments are able to accommodate their needs, once these needs are known. But one must be careful to order a meal using the phrase "no meat," and ONLY that phrase, as servers do not understand "meatless" or "without meat" or "Were any animals harmed in the making of this meal??" Likewise, if one wishes no ice in one's drink, one should say "no ice" rather than "without ice." One wonders what kind of server does not understand these phrases.
Diners are warned that in American restaurants they will not receive a "finger bowl" and that a paper napkin should be used. Although it is not stated, there is a definite suggestion that this is proof that Americans are unclean.
Communication
Those who are talking "at work or elsewhere" are advised that if "you want to say yes, just say yes. Moving the head side to side in such a situation is seen as confusing, and generally taken to mean no." Ah, how confusing Americans can be!
Miscellaneous
There are numerous rules for avoiding misunderstanding, including:
In America, a "fag" does NOT refer to smoking as it does in Britain.
"There is no Eve Teasing in the U.S. It is called 'sexual harassment."
And finally, never, ever ask for a "rubber" when one wishes for an eraser.
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