A message from the Kitchen Witch

In our workplace we all share equally in public service, such as running the dishwasher, providing milk for the week, killing large scary bugs, goofing off, etc. We take our civic duties seriously.

Well, some do. Others seem to believe, despite all efforts to tell them otherwise, in the existence of the Kitchen Genie. The Kitchen Genie, they believe, cheerfully handles all of their disgustingly dirty dishes, which they deposit in the sink, and magically transforms them into sparkling clean ones, which are put away in the cupboard for their use the next day.

This week it is my turn for civic duty in the kitchen. Knowing how strongly some of my co-workers hold to their belief in the Kitchen Genie, I have made it my mission to gently, but firmly, help them come to grips with reality. I have therefore sent a series of e-mails, reproduced below, to everyone this week to remind them of the necessary part they play in keeping the kitchen tidy, and that the Kitchen Genie is, sadly, but a myth.

Day 1
Subject: Dishes

Attention, all dirty dishes!

Please make your way to the dishwasher, where the sound and water show will begin at approximately 4:28 p.m. Please note that this show takes place only in the DISHWASHER, not in the SINK, so please make arrangements for your own transportation to the dishwasher.

Day 2
Subject: Dishes, reprise

To all dirty dishes,

Thank you for last night's orderly progression to the dishwasher. Tonight's show will commence in a half hour. Please remember that you must be securely fastened inside the dishwasher before the show begins. Thank you.

Day 3
Subject: Dishes

Please be considerate and put your dishes inside the dishwasher. There is no magic kitchen genie to do this for you, only a kitchen witch to remind you to do it.

As the truth about the Kitchen Genie finally began to be revealed and accepted, gradually all the dishes in the sink disappeared, until at the end of Day 3 only a lone spoon remained. But should there be any relapses, or hard-core cases of refusal to part with belief in the Kitchen Genie, I am armed with appropriate warning messages.

Day 4
Subject: A public service announcement from the Kitchen Witch

Due to an increase in dirty dishes in the sink, we have been forced to take drastic measures. A tiny camera has been installed in the kitchen to record any offenders who are not properly placing their dishes in the dishwasher. If you are caught, you will be fined a day of heavy scrubbing in the kitchen. Be advised: Big Brother is watching (and so is the Kitchen Witch).

Day 5
Subject: You know what the subject is

Whoever disabled the kitchen camera, please be aware that you will not escape punishment, as soon as we figure out who you are. This regrettable incident has forced us to take even more drastic measures. Starting Monday, all kitchen items will be stored in the Kitchen Witch's cube. Employees who wish to use one of these items must come to this cube and check out each item. By signing, borrowers promise that they will, upon discontinuation of the borrowed item, properly deposit it in the dishwasher for cleaning.

In the event that this oath is broken, the Kitchen Witch will personally administer to the offending party the Oath of Disbelief in the Kitchen Genie, and the offending party will be forced to perform, in public, the Chant of the Dishwasher. The party will also be enrolled in a reform class called "Dirty Dishes: Do They Magically Transport Themselves to the Dishwasher?"

We trust that such measures, however, will not be necessary. Have a pleasant day, and remember: the Kitchen Witch is watching.