Coming to America

I have come across a Web site offering invaluable cultural advice to those from another country who are coming to the U.S. for the first time. Amazingly, this advice does NOT include "Don't go! Americans are crazy! Run for your life!" Presumably the writers are resigned that, in many cases, coming to America is a necessary evil, and the best they can do for their fellow countrymen is to ease the trauma a little by offering cultural insights and no-nos. The advice given also offers some amusement for American readers, particularly American readers who are perusing the Internet instead of doing their work, which pretty much describes my own situation when I came across this site. Below are a few excerpts of the advice offered to newcomers.

Driving
Newcomers are advised to avoid honking the car horn "unless required." Or unless (this part was omitted from the site; possibly it is unknown to the writers) you are American, in which case NOT using the horn while driving is considered unconstitutional.

Drivers are reminded that, if nature calls while they are on the road, they are expected to get off the road, via the nearest exit, and proceed to the nearest public restroom (keeping in mind that this may be at a McDonald's or similar establishment). They should NOT merely walk down the highway in search of a suitable nature-y place to do nature's business.

There is a sobering admonishment to remain in one's car should one be pulled over by a police officer, and to never step out of the car. The officer may consider this an offense, and may respond by "shooting the driver for self-defense." This piece of advice is signed by a particular individual, as if the individual has had some experience with this offense.

There should be no throwing of paper or other objects out of one's window while driving, or one "may be fined heavily." Unless one is my mother, who many years ago allowed my beloved security blanket to fly out the window on a family car trip and told my father to keep driving, as I was too old to have a blanket anymore anyway. Fortunately an alert police officer, no doubt on litter patrol, spotted a large flowing object escaping from our car and retrieved it for us. When he stopped our car I expected at least that my mother would be taken to jail, not so much for littering as for causing immense Emotional Trauma to Offspring, but the officer did NOTHING. But throw a little piece of paper out your car window, and whoo! The SWAT team may be called in.

I harbor no bitterness over this incident, as you can see.

Dining
Vegetarians are encouraged that most eating establishments are able to accommodate their needs, once these needs are known. But one must be careful to order a meal using the phrase "no meat," and ONLY that phrase, as servers do not understand "meatless" or "without meat" or "Were any animals harmed in the making of this meal??" Likewise, if one wishes no ice in one's drink, one should say "no ice" rather than "without ice." One wonders what kind of server does not understand these phrases.

Diners are warned that in American restaurants they will not receive a "finger bowl" and that a paper napkin should be used. Although it is not stated, there is a definite suggestion that this is proof that Americans are unclean.

Communication
Those who are talking "at work or elsewhere" are advised that if "you want to say yes, just say yes. Moving the head side to side in such a situation is seen as confusing, and generally taken to mean no." Ah, how confusing Americans can be!

Miscellaneous
There are numerous rules for avoiding misunderstanding, including:

In America, a "fag" does NOT refer to smoking as it does in Britain.
"There is no Eve Teasing in the U.S. It is called 'sexual harassment."

And finally, never, ever ask for a "rubber" when one wishes for an eraser.