In the publishing business, we must be careful when using certain words or phrases known as trademarks. When spoken aloud, these terms must be accompanied by a hand gesture wherein one hand makes a little circle and the other makes an "R" sign inside the circle. In print, well, we are advised to shun such terms altogether in favor of more generic descriptions, which often mean readers have no idea what we are talking about. To help us confuse our readers, there is a handbook put out by a trademark association that offers helpful suggestions for generic substitutions (Nestle Crunch: candy. Milk Duds: candy. Jelly Belly: candy).
In some cases there can be hefty fines -- including loss of workplace bathroom privileges -- for unauthorized use of a trademarked term. Therefore all employees, no matter their line of work, are advised to avoid using such terms when performing vital work-related tasks, for instance when discussing the vending machine offerings:
Employee 1: "So what looks good to you?"
Employee 2: "I'm kind of in the mood for some multicolored chocolate-coated candies. Or maybe a mulitlayered chocolate and caramel confection. How about you?"
Employee 1: "Oh, I'm thinking some baked snack chips. The deep-fat fried and coated onions gave me gas last time."
Employee 2: "Hey, if that happens again, I've got some medicinal preparation for intestinal dysfunction if you need it."
Employee 3: "Hmmmm...on a hot day like today I'd really like a frozen confection, but I guess I'll have to settle for some multicolored fruit-flavored candies with a hole in the middle. Or a candy sucker with a bubble gum center."
Employee 2: "Well, stay away from that fruit-flavored powder candy in straws. It's nasty."
Employee 4: "Hey, I've got this awful sore throat. Anyone have some medicated candy?"
Excited employee (temporarily forgetting about generic substitutions): "Oooo, M&Ms look good."
All other employees (looking around in frightened manner): "Shhh!"
Although many suggestions for generic descriptions in the handbook are rather straightforward (Head and Shoulders: dandruff shampoo; Hefty: plastic bags), others are less than helpful. In the H section, we see this entry:
Heimlich Maneuver: educational services
This particular generic substitution is bound to reassure someone who is in dire need of some educational services. Say you are at a restaurant, and a nearby patron begins to choke. Once you have determined that the individual is, in fact, choking on food and not at the sight of the bill, you -- because you have studied the necessary information in the trademark handbook -- can offer your assistance in his hour of need by saying something such as the following:
"Stand back, everyone! I will now perform an educational service on this poor, unfortunate victim. Fear not, I hold a doctorate in ancient cannibalistic cultures and am therefore well-qualified to render this service."
To the victim, who is now nearly purple, you might say, "You shouldn't feel a thing, although when you recover you may not remember all of your times tables, even though this is an educational service I am rendering you."
Following your successful deliverance of educational services, you may return to your meal of hot wheat breakfast food and powder used in preparation of soft drinks. And who knows? You may even earn a medal from your grateful victim and the restaurant owner: The Colorful Round Piece of Alloy awarded for Valiant Educational Services.
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