All hail the changing of the pizza

On our trip to Washington DC with family members we visited Arlington National Cemetery, which is the hallowed resting place of thousands of servicemen and women, but which, tragically, has no eating facilities. We do not suggest that you attempt to create your own eating facilities on the grounds, as there is a pretty stiff fine for this sort of thing, consisting of your being pressed into service as a gift shop volunteer in the visitor's center.

While visiting the cemetery you can see the Tomb of the Unknowns, as it is officially called, and observe the changing of the guard, which consists of three soldiers strutting up and down in front of the tombs. This is a very moving ceremony that invariably impresses visitors, particularly the way the guards move their legs, which appear to be made completely of rubber. The main guard also does a lot of barking, by which he is able to disguise the fact that he is actually yelling to some other, hidden guard, "Hey, we're starving here! Get us an extra-large meat lover's pizza, pronto!"

The main guard also performs a white-glove inspection of the relief soldier's gun, a ritual reminiscent of the days when mother-in-laws would terrorize their daughter-in-laws by conducting a similar inspection of their fireplace mantles. No one really knows the reason for the soldiers doing this, because a dust-free fireplace mantle is WAY more important than a dust-free gun, but it is likely that at some point it was decided that tourists needed something more exciting to watch than the guards walking up and down on their rubbery legs.

If the relief guard's gun passes inspection -- and chances are that it will, although by military law 3.5% of all inspections MUST uncover some infraction, for which the offending soldier is banished to the gift shop in the visitor's center as a volunteer -- he replaces the first guard and commences walking up and down in front of the tombs. He maintains this ritual until he is relieved by another guard, or until his pizza arrives, whichever comes first.

Meanwhile, the soldier who has gone off duty assumes the important responsibility of guarding the restrooms, which, to many Americans, are only a slightly less sacred site than the Tomb of the Unknowns. This guard stands ready to protect and defend our constitutional right to free, ample toilet paper (a right not afforded in all countries) and to prevent stampedes among schoolchildren who did not heed their teacher's instruction to go at the last stop.

Of course there are many other sights to see at Arlington, which I am sure you will enjoy if you visit. And there is always the gift shop.