Birthdays 'R Us

As you know, we are very busy at work. After much analysis of projects, goals, objectives, etc., it has been found that one thing that seems to take up an INORDINATE amount of our time is dealing with those pesky little issues like, well, pretty much anything work-related.

This leaves us with very little time for more important things, like celebrating staff birthdays. We have a strong Birthday Radar at work, and no one's special day escapes notice, although sometimes the radar malfunctions and does not go off until the last possible minute. This sets off a flurry of e-mails and trips to the store for cards, cake, ice cream, party hats, party whistles, etc., all conducted in the utmost secrecy, while the birthday person affects an air of inattention and pretends not to remember that he or she is having a birthday. We have so many birthday celebrations that I suspect we celebrate some people's twice a year instead of once, but this is not a big concern to us, so long as we get cake.

To expedite things, I propose that we standardize the birthday proceedings in some manner, perhaps by giving the honoree a survey on which to make his or her birthday preferences known. A sample of such a survey follows.

Birthday Preferences Survey
(If you believe that you have received this survey in error, please pass it to the next available staff person who is not in denial about having another birthday.)

1. I do/do not wish to have a public work celebration of my birthday. (Please circle one. If "do not wish" is circled, be aware that the staff may vote to have cake anyway, with or without you.)

2. For my birthday I would like to:
a) be treated to lunch
b) have cake with 3 inches of frosting
c) receive an all-expenses paid trip to Bora-Bora

3. For lunch I would like to go to:
a) Chili's
b) McDonald's inside Wal-Mart (preferably during a sale)
c) Cold Stone Creamery (Please note that this option does NOT exclude having a cake later in the day.)

4. I would like to invite the following people to my birthday lunch:
a) the editors
b) the editors and people who work with the editors
c) Brad Pitt

5. I wish/do not wish to have cake and have people sing to me and generally be the center of attention. (Please circle one. If "do not wish" is circled, please skip the next question.)

6. I wish to be the center of attention for the following length of time:
a) however long it takes to sing "Happy Birthday"
b) just long enough to get my piece of cake
c) the duration of my natural life

7. I would like my cake to have:
a) buttercream frosting
b) lots of buttercream frosting
c) skip the cake, just give me the buttercream frosting

8. I do/do not wish (please circle one) to have it spread throughout the entire office community that I am turning 30/40/50/87 (do NOT circle one) (unless you want us to tell everyone how old you are).

9. I would like to receive the following type of birthday card:
a) a nice sappy one that tells me how much I am appreciated
b) one with money in it
c) one that depicts me in a wheelchair, with none of my teeth left, and producing certain bodily noises

Such an instrument would no doubt help expedite the planning process, although of course this may leave us with extra time, which our bosses would probably expect us to fill in with work. We may have to start celebrating everyone's birthday three times a year.